Room to Grow

We live in roughly 700 sq ft.  Palatial in terms of a NY city apartment perhaps, but for our family of five in a smaller city, it's not quite meeting our needs.  We have two bedrooms, one bathroom, a living room and a kitchen.  Thankfully, there's some unfinished space in the basement where hubby has a desk and LB has a play space away from baby fingers.  We have much more than many and it is with deep appreciation for our many blessings that I say, we really need more space. 

Because of some boring financial details, it may make more sense for us to remodel rather than move, so we're looking into it.  This brings about an exciting and scary time of bids, estimates, seeking financing and the lot.  As we go through the process, I feel excitement and anxiety (still working on my joyful anticipation).  The plans look amazing, but it will be an added financial load, so it's a bag of mixed feelings.  The remodel would entail adding about 1100 sq ft.....essentially building another house onto the back of our current house.  The basement would be extended, with 2 bedrooms and a bathroom added.  Above the basement extension, a family room would give us open space for dining, toys, games, tv watching, and general family togetherness.  Our current living room would become my office/library.  Swanky, I know :)

So, while we wait a couple weeks for numbers to be crunched, I'm practicing my waiting in joyful anticipation on one more thing.  As I look at the plans, I repeat to myself, "Lord, your will be done".  I know whether we add on to our home or we find a new one, we've got a faithful shepherd guiding the path. 

Of course, part of having 4 bedrooms is our continued hope to grow our family.  The babies would continue to share a room in the addition, so we would have ~ gasp ~ a spare room!  I'm hopeful that if God gives us the path to a larger home, He'll lead us to a path that helps us to fill the rooms with more children.  After a long day like today, this idea is a little daunting, but I continually have to remind myself that God doesn't give us the train ticket until the train is in the station.....so maybe it's a case of, "build it and they will come".  Thank you God for all the little people who daily teach me patience and draw out the best (and sometimes worst) in me.  I am so richly blessed.  Prayers for all of you this Lent as we wait in joyful anticipation of the Resurrection and a new Pope.

Why I Love My Husband

So, while reading Blessed by God this morning, I saw the link up to Why I Love My Husband and consequently found an amazing new-to-me blog:  More Like Mary ~ More Like Me. 

Here's the premise:  The purpose is to rejoice in the special and wonderful things our husbands do for us, to give them a much needed pat on the back, and to brag about how great our "other half" really is. Save the negative stuff for a priest or trusted friend-not a ladies night out.
 
So, I'm doing my first link-up.....here goes.

It is a generally agreed upon fact that my husband is amazing.  Ask any of my friends, he's wonderful to me and our girls.  Sometimes, when a friend mentions how truly great he was in a situation, I discount it a little, the way you do when you receive a compliment that you're not sure what to do with.  Is it prideful to say, "yeah, he's awesome, I chose well"?  Depends on where it comes from, I think.  That sentiment can definitely come from pride, ie, "I'm so amazing that OF COURSE I picked/landed/married a great husband."  But it can also come from a humble place, ie, "He is truly amazing, I am so blessed that God called me to walk through life with such a wonderful man".  It's where I place the emphasis.  I'm still working out how to praise my husband without it feeling awkward or prideful, but he needs that praise and he really is remarkable.

So, let me, with the most humility I can muster on a sleepy Saturday morning tell you that his virtues are not mine to claim and I know how remarkably blessed I am.

To my husband:

I love you because you did the dishes last night while I was away with LB.

I love you because you encourage me to go out with friends.

I love you because you've never once, never, looked at any of the drama or heartache surrounding SB and looked at me with even the slightest shimmer of blame - I told you I felt God calling us and you got up and walked this path with me without blame for the hard times, and sharing in all the joys wholeheartedly.  Every time I see you snuggling SB or giving her all the love you give to our bio babies, I fall in love with you all over again.

I love you because you're funny and lighthearted, even when I'm in freak out mode.  When I go Worst Case Scenario, you're usually my tether to reality.

I love you because you're a great dad....better than great, amazing, fantastic, irreplaceable, unique, and amazing some more.  There's a reason our girls light up when you walk in the door.

I love you because you apologize and thank me for "holding down the fort" when you have to work late.  I appreciate it because it does make my day longer, but don't think I don't realize that your day has been long and hard too.  I'm working on not complaining and being as supportive as possible through your long hours.

I love you because you are a champion for me working from home and help make it possible with all you do.

I love you because you are not squeamish about all the poopy diapers in our lives right now.  I am so appreciative that you take point on changing diapers when you're home because, in your words, I've done enough of it while you're gone.

I love you because you carry the kids into the house for me when you're home, even if my hands are free.  After carrying multiple babies, groceries, etc into the house all week, I'm so appreciative of the break and I know that you are purposefully doing it because you know I've been doing it all week and you're showing your appreciation.

I love you because you're the person who loves these short people we live with as much as me.  Someday when they're all gone, we'll have fun traveling to the places they live.

I love you because you help me stop and enjoy life now, rather than saving it all for a rainy day.  You remind me that sometimes we need to spend a little money and make memories instead of saving every single penny.  It's a good balance and you've put up with frugal living for a long time to have those trips and treats occasionally.

I love you because when we went to my friends' wedding with a 7 y/o, 16 m/o and 5 m/o, you took care of them all the bulk of our trip so I could spend time with my friend.  That weekend got you a serious reputation as a superhero.  

I love you because you embrace my family.  You've made the effort and you fit with the other very special people in my life, which makes my life so wonderful.

I love you because you are my champion, my protector, my partner.

I love you because you always read my blog and this probably made you cry :)

For these reasons, a hundred+ more, I love you.

Happy World Marriage Day - February 10, 2013!

One More?

So, sitting at a table last night, a couple of friends smiled and remarked to each other that they were glad that they were done.....because they're good friends, I didn't take offense that they said this while looking at my SP.  I responded that I'd take another one right now, which was a flip thing to say, especially since when I got home, I was exhausted to the core and welcomed my bed and 7 hours of sleep (that SP is sleeping through the night now is SO wonderful!).  But that little exchange got me thinking.  Why am I so crazy?  WHY on earth would I actually take another baby right now? 

When I go to the grocery store with both the babies, people stop and look, many smile and at least one or two will comment that I have my hands full.  I usually smile and keep moving, after all, I have to get through the store before someone freaks out....and that's no small task.  So, why is my gut reaction that I'd take another one right this second?  First, I think that my friends and I have totally different callings from God in the family department, because he calls us uniquely to live different lives (which makes life so much more interesting, right!).  When you're past the season of babies, it's a blessing to have peace with it.  But, I also think that my infertility was a gift.  I don't say those words lightly.  I spent many, many, many, many moments/days/nights/weeks at odds with my infertility.  The desire of my heart was another child, and there were times that it was heartbreaking that God's will wasn't calling me there.....especially the loss of my unborn child after 4 years of TTC. 

However, before I had to struggle through infertility, the gift of a child wasn't nearly as precious.  Coming from a large family, I assumed it was a given that I could have another child whenever.  I totally discounted God's role in creation (yikes!). 

I belong to a large homeschool community and each time a member had a new baby, I would bring a meal.  Many of the families were welcoming another child into a family with 4 or more children already - huge by today's standards!  Sometimes it was excruciating to bring that meal.  There I was with one 5 year old, bringing a meal to a family of 8 while I longed for one more.  But, I kept doing it because (1) I knew it was appreciated (2) I knew there was an opportunity to serve others in this season of infertility.  I wasn't as busy, I had the time to cook large meals and transport them to busier families. 

Through these experiences and other opportunities and sufferings (some of which are chronicled earlier in this blog), God began to sand down the rough parts of my heart.  The image of Jesus as carpenter resonates with me.  My dad had a wood shop when I was younger and I think of God using the experiences I went through as sandpaper.  Some experiences were really difficult, like a rough grade sandpaper to remove a bad spot, others were softer, a fine grit shaping and refining. 

As I closed the girls' bedroom door last night after putting the last one to bed, I thought about those 6 years between children, 5 of them TTC, and I thought about the extra time and rest I had.  It occurred to me that I needed that energy reserve now.  My life hasn't always been so busy and when things seem to be especially crazy, I have that memory to draw on.  Someday these babies will be grown.  I've watched LB go from completely dependent baby to a young girl, capable of navigating so much of the world.  I know this season will pass and I will wonder where it went.  Before we know it, hubby and I will be left to our own devices again, without the sound of little laughter (we'll have plenty of our own, I'm sure) and little feet.  This big picture makes the day's exhaustion seem smaller.  They won't be young forever and we'll look back on these crazy years of two babies with laughter. 

So, why am I crazy?  Why on earth would I take another baby right now?  I'm confident that God will give me the grace to raise any gifts He gives me.  I will not have the energy or the grace (or even the extra money perhaps) to take care of the children before they arrive.  God doesn't give you the train ticket until the train pulls into the station......which is a harrowing experience for a planner like me, but that was one of the lessons I have to constantly remind myself that I learned through my infertility.  God's timing, not mine, God's plan, not mine.  A couple years back, I gave our finances to God (although, I'm still a stickler for frugality).  God gave us the opportunity to earn and save money through living wisely and trusting in Him.  My only prayer is that God give us the money to take care of the children He would like us to raise.......I sometimes have to remind myself that I didn't pray not to work and when I don't feel like it, I remind myself that my job (working from home as an instructional designer) is a major financial blessing.  Most days, it's also the most interesting and coolest thing I've ever done, so God's blessings abound.

God blesses us.....no one could be more faithful.  He gives us what we need, when we need it.  Whenever I let the control-freak go and trust, I am so overwhelmed by His love and caring.  It's a constant process for me and a huge part of what I had to learn in infertility.  It took me a long time to learn these lessons.  A long time, many tears and much heartache.  God had to break my heart to open it.  I could, of course, close it again, but that would mean closing myself off from His plan.

So, why on earth would I take another baby right now?  Because they are a blessing.  Every. Single. One. Every. Single. Time.  The pain of wanting without having is too crisp in my mind to reject the beauty, joy and exhaustion of a gift whenever God has planned for us.  I would not raise another child on my own strength.  It is by the grace of God that I draw my next breath and it would be by His grace we would make it through the craziness another baby would cause.  I would take another baby (gladly, with praise to God for the blessing!) because I don't turn down gifts....especially from the One who knows my heart, who created my soul and made me to walk hand and hand with my hubby through this crazy, blessed, busy, beautiful, ordinary, amazing life we lead. 

And lest you come to the erroneous conclusion through these ramblings that I'm closer to perfection than anyone else, let me share that I just had to subdue a freak out and quietly ask hubby and LB to stop talking to me for five minutes so I could proofread.....the fact that they're both now singing different songs to themselves should tell you something about the noise level consistent to our household :)  Anyone know what's for dinner?

The Third Sneeze

Good things come in threes.  For the Irish, this is true even when you sneeze.  When I was a child, I remember anytime anyone sneezed in my grandmother's presence, it was followed by the saying:

*first sneeze* God bless you
*second sneeze* May the devil take you (a little harsh, I know!)
*third sneeze* May you be six months in heaven before the devil knows you're dead

So, when we were children, we either let one out or forced/faked a third sneeze to be in the clear.  Now, the second sneeze isn't really something I've ever said to my kids, but if they let out a third one, I do sometimes say the third blessing.  But the blessing is something I think of nearly every time I sneeze, it triggers with a sneeze like a special smell or sound can trigger a memory.  I'm sitting in a chair at Grandma's house hoping the third sneeze I feel in the back of my nose pans out.

My grandma was a force of nature.  I say was because she died this week.  She was 94 and had suffered greatly over most of the last decade, so her passing is something that brings peace with the grief.  Don't be sorry for her or for me, she's with God and all the saints who have gone before her....and I am left with a lifetime of memories of one of the strongest women I've ever known.  She was widowed before I was born and could silence her grown sons or unruly teenage grandchildren with a look.  She meant business, spoiled us, called Sara Lee her cooking friend and had faith to move mountains. 

When my next younger sister was a toddler, she developed a rare life-threatening condition.  My grandmother was there and remembered her cousin had died from an ailment with similar symptoms....they checked and she did have it, and that ended up saving my sister's life. 

When each of my younger siblings was born, Grandma came down for a week or so to help my parents.  When my parents traveled for my dad's work a couple times, one of the houses we got split between was Grandma's.  Whenever she was needed, she was there.  She lived about 3 hours away and we went to see her at least once a month.  Nearly every Christmas, we sat on the floor of her living room opening presents from aunts and uncles.  I still remember the year I got puzzles and a puzzle rack, another time, it was the complete boxed set of Little House on the Prairie.  There were always more cookies than you would think that many people could eat....somehow we managed. 

Grandma said things like, "be you careful!"  That was usually directed at a toddler in her house trying to scale some piece of furniture handcrafted by my grandfather. 

She went to mass every morning.  I remember waking up as a teen at her house, and she'd already be back from mass ready to start the day.  She had more energy at 70 than I had at 17.  She wouldn't put up with endless hours of television watching and she was always ready for a walk after dinner....sometimes getting to 94 isn't just luck :)

About a week before she passed away, it was clear that she had entered her final illness.  I went to see her one last time a few days before she died.  Every day after that, I waited for my phone to ring with dread.  When it finally did, I just felt peace.  I am profoundly sad at the loss of her, but I am sad for the grandmother I lost to dementia years ago.  I remember the last time she looked me in the eye with recognition a few years back, and I will hold precious forever the memory of watching her look into the eyes of my little SP.  That day, that was the only moment she engaged with any of us and watching my father hold his tiny granddaughter up to his mother and Grandma cooing at SP will remain one of the most precious memories of my lifetime.  As a child, I remember thinking that it was really important to pay attention to Grandma because one day she would be gone.  From an early age, I have engraved her words into my heart, mindful of the treasure.  That there will be no more etchings is a loss so deep I am nearly afraid to feel it.  Nearly, but I treasured what I had and knew its value all the more because it was fleeting. 

We are an Alleluia people.  During my grandmother's last day of consciousness a priest came in to do the Anointing of the Sick.  When he asked my grandmother if she would like him to pray with her, she very loudly said "YES".  Grandma knew the power of prayer, she lived her life faithfully and well.  It was time for her to hear, "well done my good and faithful servant". 

I will gather with my family this weekend for a final goodbye.  It will be hard, but there will be solace in family, in the shared memory and a shared faith.  Don't be sorry for me, say a prayer for her and treasure your family.  Her name meant "heavenly shining light", she'll be one more beacon on the journey home.  My grandmother was surrounded by family, especially in her final week.  My aunt was with her when she died.  Grandma let out a loud sneeze and she was gone.  It must have been the third one by some count.....she's got a six month head start :)

Grandma meeting SP in August 2012

Another Picture Day

Thanks to a friend's husband for finding a solution to my Picasa Web Album space issues - a fellow blogger had the solution:  Dr. Hato in Japan

My husband's cousin (age 3 mo) was baptized several weekends ago.  We went to the baptism and one of my husband's aunts set up a professional photographer for the day to capture some family photos.  We took advantage of the day and got some REALLY cute shots of the girls :)

Here are the ones I can share (maybe someday I'll be able to post SB pics!):

Our "edited" family

Some of the cousins on hubby's side

An extended family shot

LB and SP

Individual shots :)

Rocking her faux smile :)

Love this shot!

My serious SP

Thoughtful

Finally got a smile!

What did you say?

Thinking wistful thoughts...

Happy!

I just want to nibble on that little smiley face!

Even took a couple's shot!

If you should happen to stop by

I meant to post an album of our latest family pics, but first, I need to figure out what to do about being out of space on the Picasa Web Album.

So, as I've been procrastinating on fixing this problem, I haven't really been blogging.  Yesterday though, something happened that I've been kind of fixated on.  Someone stopped over with an unannounced guest who I had never met and my house was a MESS!  Now, I'm not the cleanest of people anyway, it's not Hoarders gross by any means, but my house is always about 30 minutes off of "company clean", meaning, I need about a 30 minute heads-up before I've got a presentable space. 

As I kicked dirty laundry behind the bathroom door, I looked around my house and stressed about all the little and not-so-little things I could see out of place.  So, I have a poem for you.

If You Should Happen to Stop By
If you should happen to stop by, there'll be socks on the floor.
Dishes won't be done yet, and there'll be dirty laundry in front of the kids' door.
Toys will be strewn with disregard for toes,
And at least one of the kids will have a runny nose.
I'll still be in my pajamas at lunchtime, making hot dogs while someone screams.
An organized play-room is pretty much just a pipe dream.
My living room is dusty,
And on the kitchen floor is something crusty.
I've probably got a project going on,
The paint on those drawers will be dry before too long.
So, if you should happen to stop by, the place will likely be a mess
And yes, we live like this.

I'll still work to clean, of course, but yesterday, something inside of me that was trying to impress random strangers just snapped.  I realized, I just don't have the energy for this!  SB will continue to dump buckets of toys onto the floor right after I spent naptime cleaning, so just be careful where you walk when you stop by unannounced.  :)

Our FL trip - 2012

Our Halloween was crazy.  We tried to get the kids to a variety of fun candy-filled events before we got in the car on October 31st at 3pm and drove 2 days to FL.  Since LB is in school this year, and we're thinking it'll probably be a one-year deal, she really wanted to attend her Halloween party (one would think a Catholic school might have an All Saint's Day party, but I digress). 

So, hubby took the day off and we packed the car and cleaned the house a bit while LB was in school.  As soon as she was home, we drove off into the too-early-because-it's-winter setting sun.  We drove until about 2am and made it to Nashville, TN.  We were up and on the road again by about 9am the next morning and finally reached our destination of a hotel right on the beach at 11pm.  Needless to say, it was a hard 2-day drive and we were all super done being in the car by the time we got there. 

The next day, I had a chance to go out and get my nails done with the bride-to-be/lifelong friend whose wedding we were there to celebrate while hubby took all three girls out to play at our hotel on the beach (we splurged so that we could be oceanside and it was totally worth it!).  After a rehearsal dinner, we were back to bed and preparing for the big wedding day.

The wedding preparation time was so fun and the wedding was beautiful.  It was so moving to see the girl I grew up playing with dressed in her beautiful dress coming down the aisle to her soon-to-be husband, every inch the radiantly in love woman.  The reception was at the groom's parents' house.  It was an amazing space for the event and the best part was that the groom's mother was thoughtful enough to set aside a room for our girls to lay down (we had the only children at the wedding).  All three of our girls were laying down and conked out before 9pm.

After the wedding, we spent a few more days at our hotel playing in the water and enjoying the beach.  The time went so fast, but it was gloomy and starting to rain the day we left, so the vacation felt just long enough.  The trip back was just as long and exhausting, but hubby had the foresight to take the next day off work, so the transition back to the real world wasn't too terrible. 

Here are some pictures from Halloween and our fun FL trip :)

Last day of hubby with long hair before vacation :)

LB was done carving her pumpkin early!

Help from her aunt with her pumpkin

First morning on the beach

Admiring the view from our hotel

We shouldn't have let her by the water without a swimsuit on!

She kept getting farther and farther out - until her pants were soaked!

The bride with her cousins

At the rehearsal dinner

Calm for the moment

Watching the sun set

She stayed there until we made her come back in

Trying out a cracker

Investigating the flower girl goody bag

Hanging with daddy

The flower girl is ready

Cake cutting

The first dance

I don't think she's supposed to have that....

Sun protection - check!

The older I get, the more I worry about the sun :)

I made the girls wear bandanas to keep their parts from getting burnt

Sand castle!

Sand castle II

Sweet Pea's smile :)

Daddy said something funny

Last morning, saying good bye to the ocean

Watching the last sunrise in FL

A moment with the sunrise

Good-bye beautiful FL!