Hidden Mothering

Tuesday was a hard day. 

It was finally time.  Time to go through maternity and baby clothes that were sitting unused, and indefinitely unneeded as my infertility drags on.

It was a weepy, hard thing to go through all those memories in clothing form.

To look at the dress I wore to a wedding five months pregnant, the button downs I wore to work meetings, the comfy pants that always fit....even overdue.

Then there were the baby clothes, some packaged up for my little sister's impending arrival and the rest off to the prolife center.

But, all the sorting almost didn't happen.  I was procrastinating the hard by working on a more joyful project - superhero dresses for the soon-to-be three year old.

Then, a text from a friend.

A hot drink on my doorstep.

An encouraging reminder.

That drink, that little piece of love and support helped me start.  And every time it got hard, I'd take a drink, then think of my friend who lives 30 minutes away, but made the time to drop it off.

Then, as I sat, emotionally spent from putting baby clothes in boxes to give away, a message from a friend offering to bring dinner.

But, she didn't just bring dinner....she brought bags and bags of groceries.  One thing after the next, just reminding me that there are friends who love us, who are praying for us.

And I'm pretty sure they were calorie-free treats, because the scale was kind the next morning :)

Wednesday afternoon, I hauled three giant garbage bags stuffed with clothing at the local pro-life center where I volunteer weekly.

There was some excitement going on over a mobile medical unit on display in the parking lot, and as I brought in all my maternity clothes, some older man said, "Oh, don't give up!  Don't you need those clothes again?"

No sir, I am not giving up.  But that has nothing to do with whether or not I'll ever wear maternity clothes again. 

I laughed it off as best I could and responded, "oh well, maybe I'll need some, but I'll just buy new ones then". 

That.  That was the interaction over giving away my maternity clothes.  It felt like my heart was being ripped from me to part with those clothes because they symbolize something I can't choose to do, that I can only wait and pray for.

I know they're going to such needing homes.  I know it was time.  I know I have a half dozen friends who will loan me anything I might need for a future pregnancy.  Still, it was tough that there was no fanfare, no effusive congratulatory applause over my sacrifice.

But it hit me, so much of motherhood is hidden from fanfare.  There is no applause for the third time you clean noodles off the floor in a day.  For the countless times we walk by a room and pick up items strewn along our path.

So much of what we do as mothers is hidden. 

Mary pondered things silently in her heart. 

She didn't blare the trumpet or receive any applause for her mothering.  She did it, hidden, even largely in the Bible, for most of her mothering. 

When do we hear about her mothering in Jesus' childhood?  When she loses Jesus.  Not the best mom day.  No record of the meal she spent hours preparing for her family.  No record of walking the floors late into the night with a tiny baby.

All hidden.

Quietly pouring herself out.  Watching the world have no appreciation for her son, her life's work.

Mama had it rough.

So much of who we are as women and mothers is moving pieces behind the scenes so the whole set doesn't fall down.  Those friends bringing me love and encouragement in the form of food, mothering me.

The friends checking in throughout the day to see if I was okay, mothering me.

The friend offering giant margaritas of solidarity in our infertility struggles, mothering me.

The world doesn't need what women have, it needs what women are. - St. Edith Stein

The pro-life movement is close to my heart, and as we speak of our universal motherhood and our potential to be what the world needs, I'm also presenting another need.

Mary's Mantle is a home for expectant mothers in Southfield, MI.  They are in need of donations to furnish their facility.

I ask you to:

• Pray - for the volunteers, employees, and most especially the expectant and new mothers
• Consider donating to the home
• Share the need with others
• Find ways to act on the missions God is calling you to in your life - inside or outside your home

A word about non-profits and fundraising

Due diligence is always an important part of supporting/contributing to fundraisers of any type.

To help you discern, here are some statistics provided by the IRS via http://nonprofits.findthecompany.com/l/1786661/Marys-Mantle

An Overview of Mary’s Mantle from this website includes the following data:

• Received tax exempt status in February 2010
• Most recent year of reporting (2013) - $209,656 in annual income
• Primary source of income is contributions
• Total reported expenses for most recent year of reporting (2013) - $172,660
• 57% of total expenses was personnel – average for Southfield, MI nonprofits is 39.35% in total expenses
• Mary’s Mantle spent an average of $10,963/employee in 2013 (9 employees) – the average compensation of other nonprofits in Southfield, MI is $29,444.
• Contributions are tax deductible under the EIN 271232703

Determining if a nonprofit is right for your donation:

There are so many worthwhile causes for your donation dollars, it can be hard to know how to spend them wisely.  To do that, you need to think about how you feel about where an organization’s money is going.

Mary’s Mantle spends a higher percentage of its funds on personnel than similar nonprofits, but a lower average dollar amount per employee.  This could be an indication that a few employees are earning the bulk of the salary (as is common with small nonprofits) or that the overall overhead is low.

This particular GoFundMe campaign is specifically for furniture.  When the nonprofit is a house, furniture is a necessary expense. 

If additional funds are raised, expect them to be contributed to the overall budget in line with the percentages reported to the IRS in years past.  A portion of additional funds might go towards office equipment, household supplies, or personnel salary.  All of these would be in line with the running of a nonprofit. 

A word in particular about donations going to salaries:

In many cases, pro-life center staffs are greatly augmented by volunteers.  Volunteers play a role in the success of Mary’s Mantle as well.  However, salaries are a necessary expense in the care and running of such locations.  It is right and just that individuals called by God to support a ministry are able to feed and shelter their own families through their ministry work. 

Think about the tithe at church on Sunday.  A portion of that tithe goes to keeping the building maintained, the lights running, the water paid; but a portion of that also goes to the priest’s salary.   

Because it is right and just that he have an income.  While some religious take a vow of poverty, not all who are called to serve in the various and wonderful ways that God calls us are able or called to do so without compensation.

In the nonprofit sector, many work at lower salaries than the private sector offers because they believe in the cause.  But, those individuals also believe their children need diapers and their houses need heat. 

I thank you for considering this cause for your donation dollars.  Whatever you are called to contribute financially, please keep this ministry in your prayers.  We are in a time of terrible attack on life, and such ministries need grace to weather the storm.

Infertility and Big Families

In the struggle with infertility, we, the infertile/subfertile are not across a divide from our sisters with large families or abundant fertility.  The line is a mental and emotional construct, and it can be deconstructed if only we stop, identify it, and pray for the grace to let any negative thoughts or feelings go.


Here's the real truth, we share more with each other when we are united in faith and open hearts than we could through life circumstance. 

It is my life circumstance that I have a small (to me; society thinks I'm perfecto) family and the education and means to have a comfortable life that includes extras many moms of many have to do without. 

All the trappings might look different, our crosses look different, but at the heart of it, we're walking in the same direction.  All of us, all of us faithful women trying to live out God's will in our lives are heading towards heaven to the best of our ability.  Whether we're walking that walk with 0, 2, or 10 kids, it's the same goal. 

I don't know why my sanctification includes the loss of a child in utero, the loss of a toddler, and secondary infertility.  I don't know.  Any more than you know why your sanctification includes any of the crosses you're carrying....and one of those crosses might be the sheer weight of caring for all the children with whom God has entrusted you.  

 Here we are, all sisters in Christ.  When struggling with infertility, it can be so tempting to step away from our sisters with large families and abundant fertility.  Because they have what we want and we just can't grasp how to bridge that divide or reconcile our aching hearts with our love for them. 

Here's how; walk next to them.  Get to know their heart.  My two biggest supports, my two best cheerleaders in my struggle with infertility have 7 and 10 children. 

They have lost children in miscarriage, they have suffered other crosses, they carry heavy burdens in the care of their family. 

One of those moms was the only person to bring me a meal after we lost Mara in an ectopic rupture.  She didn't even know me at the time really, we just belonged to the same homeschool group.  But, she had lost babies, and she reached out.

Those big family mamas, with their eyes fixed on Jesus have much more in common with the infertile mother struggling to remain open to God's will in her life than the childless woman closed to the gift of life.  Our outsides might look more the same, but our interior life is where the richness of friendship and support comes from.

Infertility is such an isolating cross.  If we're not speaking about it openly, there are many assumptions about how we must be living in ways counter to our faith.  If we are speaking about it openly, it can be difficult for our friends and family to know how to love us and share their happy news.

But all of this, the difficulty in relationship between the fertile and the infertile, this difficulty is from the devil.  Satan is attacking life from every angle he can.  Don't think he's not trying to harden your heart in your infertility.  He is.  He's after you, because you're already vulnerable and exposed.  He's trying to kick you when you're down.

This separation of fertile and infertile women is not of God.  God doesn't share in teaching or tradition that we are to be separate in our communities and lives; the fertile on one island, the infertile on another.

It can be painful on both sides, to see friends struggling with large families when we'd take on that burden without blinking.  But it's also hard for them to see us struggle while they yearn for a fraction of the down time we might have.

We are not called to be comfortable in our relationship with each other on this path to heaven.  We are called to embrace each other, lift each other back up, and encourage each other.

And there is blessing in doing it.  Those friendships are precious, and it has nothing to do with the numbers in our vehicles, and everything to do with the love in our hearts, for God and each other.

Our most recent playdate with those big families was blissfully exhausting :)

How to Stop Coveting Your Neighbor's Baby

I have been on both sides of the fertility fence.  Enough to know that evil put the fence there.  There shouldn't be a fence, but our wounded broken hearts create a division.

I have been struggling with infertility for seven years.  Throughout those years, I have also struggled in my friendships with friends of normal and high fertility.

It took me six years to have SP.  Six. Years.  During that time, I struggled with finding joy in the pregnancies of others. 

There is no adequate description for the amount of sorrow, suffering and trial that goes into that indefinite wait.  I didn't have a handbook that said it would end after six years.  Every day I woke up, faced with that insurmountable burden, made just bearable by having one child, and I would try to dig out of my self-pity long enough to thank God for her, and pray for those women going through primary infertility.

Something happened though, when I was pregnant with SP that changed my heart.  Someone stopped speaking to me while I was pregnant because she was suffering with infertility.  I had suddenly jumped the fence.  I was on the opposing team now, and I felt hurt and abandoned.  I knew in my heart that it really and truly wasn't about me.  Still, after SIX YEARS of waiting, how could there not be an ounce of joy for my miracle?

The real kicker was, I'd done that myself.  I'd distanced myself from expectant mothers when I was struggling with infertility.  In many ways, I felt abandoned by both camps on the fertility front.  

I have two living children.  I'm at the "two and through" number for most of the world.  But that doesn't mean it's any easier to wait on that next baby.  The longing increases with each day, and despondency and doubt have a chance to take root in those dark moments.  Secondary infertility counts too.

It also gives me a glimpse at both sides of this struggle.  Enough of a look to know we have to kick the damn fence down.  Some convictions are worth swearing about.

To the women weighed down by the oppressive darkness that is infertility, I ask you to do a few things.

First, recognize that in our fallen nature, jealousy and anger are natural feelings.  Do not beat yourself up over it, you've had enough pain without torturing yourself some more.  Be kind to yourself first.  If you need to hide a newsfeed or unfollow a blog so that you can make it through the day, do it.  Just don't stay gone for good.

That means the second thing you need to do is fight for joy.  Find one thing, just one thing that brings joy into your life and do it.  You've likely been a pin cushion and feel more like a medical experiment than a human at this point.  Do something that makes you smile and gets you up on your feet.  I write here.  Sharing my sorrow and joy in this way brings me peace.  Scheduling one outing/field trip/playdate a week with my girls also helps.

Find a fitness class, a pottery class, a poetry reading, anything that taps into a different part of you than your procreative side.  It's so easy to be wrapped up in your worth as it relates to your ability/inability to procreate when you're TTC.  Find something that has nothing to do with that.  Do it just because you can.  It'll help build up those pieces of you that are shattered and disappointed in your own body.

Find someone who has walked the path of infertility as well.  This might be in person or on a blog.  It is so healing and helpful to know that this is not just your struggle.  So many women have stood where you stand.  They can be that light, showing you that slowly your joy will return.  That pang may remain in your heart, but someday you'll delight in all manner of things again.

Once you have found ways to add joy back into your life, dip your toes back into those friendships that have been strained.  The greatest success I had was in finding ways to be of service to those with large families.  Is someone having a baby soon?  Make them a meal, knit a blanket, drop off a few groceries, anything to help.  Do it in small pieces that you can handle.  Pray for them.  Trust me, they're praying for you too.

Finally, and what I've found the most success with, fake it til you make it.  Seriously.  Sometimes actions need to proceed the feelings you'd like to have accompany them.  Smile and congratulate that mother having her xth child.  Delight in her gift, and remember, there is no finite supply of children.  Her child does nothing to affect your likelihood.  That little one isn't one out of your pile, even if you'd be more than willing to take them home, thank you very much!

Be a friend.  Be a helper.  Be you.  What has most effectively taken the sting out of other mother's large broods has been getting to know those women.  It has taken me from seeing their newest addition as a troubling reminder of my lacking to a reminder of God's promise.  He so wants to bless us.  If we're busy looking for a blessing that remains unfulfilled, we'll miss the ones raining out all over us.  Those large families have been my blessing, and the secret to helping to heal my heart in infertility.  Holding their babies still makes me long for more of my own, but it's been the best gift.

I know there is so much heartache accompanying infertility.  To be missing something so central to womanhood is excruciating.  But please, please, come back.  We need to make just as many steps towards removing that dividing line.  You have so much to offer, and your friendship is a blessing.  Let those mamas of many in.  Let them pray for you.  Let them be your comfort.  Let their babies be a gift that reminds you that God is so good.  So, so good.  As hard as it can be some days, those bonds will actually be what bring you back to life.  Celebrate life.  God has a beautiful plan for us, and we will not let evil steal our joy, even in the midst of sorrow.

To the women who want to support us in our struggles:

Please don't complain about your children to us.  We love you, we know you need to vent, please find someone who is equally yoked for that vent session.  We want to be a part of your life, we do.  We want to know how you are, and we want you to share your day with us, but sometimes that complaining comes off like ungratefulness for something we would die for.  It's not you, it's us.  We love you so much and know that there can be just as much "hardness" in being overwhelmed, but we're just a little fragile.  Be kind.  That being said, that hilarious story about your toddler's crazy antics, share away! 

Don't ever offer us a child in jest.  Seriously.  I'll take them.  I'll take them all.  We know that there's probably a child or two who can just hit that particular nerve of yours and you're ready to send them away with the circus, but we can't truly empathize with that sentiment.

I was once told it's better to have too few children than be overwhelmed by too many.  That remains one of the most hurtful things someone ever said to me during my greatest struggles with infertility.  I went through six years of trying to get pregnant and then discovered I was expecting when we had a four week old foster daughter.  I raised a drug-exposed infant who needed to be held constantly while I was pregnant.  SB and SP were 10 months apart.  I had SB until December of last year, so I spent 18 months with kids closer than one year, one of whom was special needs.  I know what overwhelmed feels like.  It's better.  So much better. 

Be joyful in your vocation.  Celebrate your new arrivals.  If we can't handle it at that particular stage in our journey, we'll pull back.  Please don't take it personally.  We are loving you from afar and do hereby solemnly swear to plug back in as we're able.  Be that joyful voice that motherhood is beautiful and that we're struggling towards something that is worth the struggle.  Don't minimize the gift, we already know it's amazing, or we wouldn't be subjecting ourselves to medical interventions and/or adoption home studies.

In all things, know that we're trying to love you and your family as best we can.  And we'll trust you to do the same.

There's only sides if we refuse to budge from our particular angle.  Evil knows we're stronger together.  Let's do more to love and celebrate each other.