Hello, Again, My Friend

Sometimes the deep moments happen in the quiet.

It's been hard to talk about the deep moments lately.  December 20th marked two years without Sweet Baby. 

In mid-November, I listened to an interview with Kathryn Whitaker (Team Whitaker).  She discussed the importance of caring for her marriage in the midst of the stresses of illness with her youngest.

It struck me like a thunderbolt what December 20th means to my marriage.  It's two years of holding on through loss, grief, and depression.  It's two years of not losing each other while our world crumbled.  Two years where we didn't let go.

So, I planned a trip and we spent two days alone together, because we made it through a crucible together, and that deserves a room with a fireplace and all the fanciness.

It was two days much needed and well spent.

The last month has also been a step forward in hormonal health.  After my latest consult, the doctor offered me the option to begin taking low dose naltrexone.  Two weeks of research and discussion with others who have taken it, and I decided with some trepidation to begin the medication.

The side effects include fatigue and nausea, so it's been all the fun of the first trimester, without any of the baby-at-the-end benefits.  The LDN boosts my body's production of beta endorphins, meaning my stomach has been taking a hit, but at least I'm happy about it :P

To mitigate the side effects, my doctor has had me slowly increasing my dosage.  After two or three days, my stomach and energy regulate.....until the next increase.  This week is the final increase.  I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Soon, I hope to have an elevated mood and a peaceful stomach.

With all of the holidays, the inevitable increase in pregnancy announcements, and the general fatigue and nausea, this has been a trying month.  Really more crying than is strictly necessary, but not quite enough to feel better. 

The advent of a new cycle brought all of it, the anniversary of losing SB, the nausea, the feeling that everyone else is pregnant to a head.  The thoughts that had been brewing for months broke free.  It's time to let go of the baby stuff.  I've culled back little by little over the years, but it's really time now.

Not because it's a superstition to become pregnant, not because I'm hopeless for the future, but because it's time.  Deeply, profoundly time to stop living in a moment that isn't here.  Time to face both feet in the direction that is my life. 

With all the clichéd introspection that comes with a new year, I'm making a choice.  Each day, I'm going to pry my hands back open and let go of the life I thought I would have because it is only in letting go that I will find the person God created me to be. 

Today, letting go looked like packing up my Sweet Baby's crib and taking it to my brother's house.  My new nephew will be here within the month.  A baby will sleep sweetly in that bed once again.

Letting go is hard and scary and hopeful and sweet.  Wherever this road goes, I will be more me, more the person I was meant to be.  While that means snotty tears over old furniture, whispers in my soul tell me it's going to be amazing.

Our Story: 10 Years Ago Today

Ten years ago today, something new was made.  With family and friends looking on, two became one.

I cried my whole way through my vows.  When I listened to the video later, it sounded like I was laughing.....

My father, a deacon in the Catholic Church, officiated the wedding.

....after he walked me down the aisle :)

I was so excited to walk down that aisle.

...and even more excited to be married.

We were surrounded by family and friends.

....and my brothers took good care of tradition.

There have been difficult days, months, and even years.  We have been stretched past the breaking point more than once, with only that promise we made keeping things together.  But the hard-earned truth I have learned is that the better is better when you've made it through the worse together.

This is our life.  One or both of us could have thrown in the towel more than once.  But, we promised not to.  We made more than a contract, we made a covenant.  We celebrated a sacrament.  An oath that we will live out the rest of our lives.  And our lives are better for the covenant.  We've built everything together.

We married young-ish.  I was 22, Hubby was 26.  We didn't wait until we'd established careers or had a house.  We moved in together after we got back from the honeymoon.

Everything we have, we've done together.  Our house.

Our children.

Our love.

Marriage can be hard.  But it's worth fighting for.  Because it is so good.  Forming a life from the ground up together is so good.  Raising beautiful, crazy, sarcastic, creative children together is so good.

Ten years ago, I made a good choice.  Every day, I get up in the morning and try to make good on that choice.  I choose to love and serve, honor and obey.  Not so simple, but oh so beautiful.  

A few days ago, I linked up with Kendra for Answer Me This.  The question about the piece of random advice got me thinking about wedding advice.

My mom's marriage advice:  Never marry someone who you don't want to have kids just like.

My dad's marriage advice:  Pick a winner and then be his cheerleader.  (He followed that up with, you've picked a winner, now just be his cheerleader.)

I believe, from many I've talked to lately, that marriage is under attack.  Everyday and big stresses seem to be directly attacking the framework of our lives.  Evil seeks to destroy what is good and many of us have felt that friction and pressure in our marriages of late.  Those little annoyances (or big stresses) are turning us against each other, when really, we should be striving even more to unite in those moments.

The first step in battle is to know your enemy.  Look at your beloved.  He is not the enemy.  That division comes from within your heart.  That anger boiling inside you may indeed be righteous, but pray for compassion.  Acknowledge your own failings.  Forgive wrongs done against you.  In all things, pray.  If you have only anger to offer up, offer up your anger.  Dwija shared many beautiful and heartbreaking stories of those who could use our prayers right now.

As we look forward to the Resurrection with great expectation, take a moment to thank God for not only the greatest blessing of His Only Son, but for the beautiful wisdom and planning for our sanctification through our spouses.  That guy snoring and keeping you awake?  He's your road to Heaven.  Tread lightly and with love.

To my husband on our anniversary,

I'm glad it's you.  I'm so glad I said "yes", and then "I do".  I'm so glad you've never quit on me when I've been more than anyone should have to tolerate.  And I'm glad I haven't quit on you when you've been the same.  I'm glad this is what my life looks like, and it's exciting to know we have, God willing, so many more years ahead of us to keep writing this story.

That cliched meme is right, of all the love stories, ours is my favorite.  Because it's real, it's us, and no one could write it but you and me.

Love, 

Your wife