Hope in a Hopeless Place

Something crazy happened tonight. 

There's been a lot of construction around our new house. A. Lot. The main road in and out of our neighborhood has been under construction since well before our move and recently, the progress on the road has caused it to take longer to get down the hill. One of those worse before it's better kind of situations. 

This evening, I sat in traffic, waiting for my turn to creep down the hill and my thoughts were brewing darkly. 

My surgery in early August is healed, and there's now the potential that we may conceive. In fact, earlier this week, I was feeling really hopeful that maybe this would be *the* month. 

I allowed myself to daydream about the stroller I've wanted for ten years and never gotten that I've promised myself I will splurge on if there's a next time. 

I've thought about what it would be like to tell family and friends. How we could surprise them. What joy it would be.

I've prayed for the intercession of our beloved late priest Fr Logan to bring us a miracle. He loved my husband so much, thought he was so funny. He called me the rose between two thorns when I sang with my dad and another parishioner at healing masses. 

He prayed over me at those same masses when I was pregnant with SP and struggling with complications. I brought him dinner once a week for the months following one of his surgeries.  He was the priest at my first communion, and there when LB made hers as well. 

He was woven in a special way into our lives, and it was him I turned to in intercession this month when the inflammation that has plagued me and been non-responsive to all medications and unknown in cause to all testing remained between me and fertility. 

And, for a bit, I felt hopeful. But, as I've crept closer to the start of a new cycle, closer to what experience has taught me will be a hard reality, I've lost hope. 

It was this lost and hopeless feeling that centered in my thoughts as I sat in traffic waiting.  

The dark thoughts were reigning supreme and I was feeling so done. So over finding a way to have any shred of hope left. 

As some traffic slowly made its way up the hill, I glanced over at a car waiting to turn into traffic. And my heart leapt in my chest with a moment of ecstasy. There, in that car waiting ten feet from me, was my lost girl, my SB, sitting in a car with her dad. She looked good. She looked happy. 

I never knew I could hold so much joy and sorrow simultaneously in my soul. She looks good. Somewhere out there, my baby looks happy. 

What's more, there's this fear I've carried deep down in my soul that I wouldn't know her if I saw her. I haven't seen her in over two years, and I feared she would change so much before I ever saw her again that I wouldn't know her even if I saw her. But, I did know her. 

I'm not sure what to make of all those feelings that were swirling inside me when I looked up and added the feelings of seeing SB to the mix. Perhaps the takeaway is even the most hopeless moment can be redeemed. 

Or maybe it was just a moment of straight gift sewn into a hard season of life. 

In the end, I'm struggling to let the joy win out. But I'll take the tears and sorrow. It was worth it just to have that momentary glimpse and knowledge that she's okay. Just a girl, talking to her daddy in the car. 

Infertility and Big Families

In the struggle with infertility, we, the infertile/subfertile are not across a divide from our sisters with large families or abundant fertility.  The line is a mental and emotional construct, and it can be deconstructed if only we stop, identify it, and pray for the grace to let any negative thoughts or feelings go.


Here's the real truth, we share more with each other when we are united in faith and open hearts than we could through life circumstance. 

It is my life circumstance that I have a small (to me; society thinks I'm perfecto) family and the education and means to have a comfortable life that includes extras many moms of many have to do without. 

All the trappings might look different, our crosses look different, but at the heart of it, we're walking in the same direction.  All of us, all of us faithful women trying to live out God's will in our lives are heading towards heaven to the best of our ability.  Whether we're walking that walk with 0, 2, or 10 kids, it's the same goal. 

I don't know why my sanctification includes the loss of a child in utero, the loss of a toddler, and secondary infertility.  I don't know.  Any more than you know why your sanctification includes any of the crosses you're carrying....and one of those crosses might be the sheer weight of caring for all the children with whom God has entrusted you.  

 Here we are, all sisters in Christ.  When struggling with infertility, it can be so tempting to step away from our sisters with large families and abundant fertility.  Because they have what we want and we just can't grasp how to bridge that divide or reconcile our aching hearts with our love for them. 

Here's how; walk next to them.  Get to know their heart.  My two biggest supports, my two best cheerleaders in my struggle with infertility have 7 and 10 children. 

They have lost children in miscarriage, they have suffered other crosses, they carry heavy burdens in the care of their family. 

One of those moms was the only person to bring me a meal after we lost Mara in an ectopic rupture.  She didn't even know me at the time really, we just belonged to the same homeschool group.  But, she had lost babies, and she reached out.

Those big family mamas, with their eyes fixed on Jesus have much more in common with the infertile mother struggling to remain open to God's will in her life than the childless woman closed to the gift of life.  Our outsides might look more the same, but our interior life is where the richness of friendship and support comes from.

Infertility is such an isolating cross.  If we're not speaking about it openly, there are many assumptions about how we must be living in ways counter to our faith.  If we are speaking about it openly, it can be difficult for our friends and family to know how to love us and share their happy news.

But all of this, the difficulty in relationship between the fertile and the infertile, this difficulty is from the devil.  Satan is attacking life from every angle he can.  Don't think he's not trying to harden your heart in your infertility.  He is.  He's after you, because you're already vulnerable and exposed.  He's trying to kick you when you're down.

This separation of fertile and infertile women is not of God.  God doesn't share in teaching or tradition that we are to be separate in our communities and lives; the fertile on one island, the infertile on another.

It can be painful on both sides, to see friends struggling with large families when we'd take on that burden without blinking.  But it's also hard for them to see us struggle while they yearn for a fraction of the down time we might have.

We are not called to be comfortable in our relationship with each other on this path to heaven.  We are called to embrace each other, lift each other back up, and encourage each other.

And there is blessing in doing it.  Those friendships are precious, and it has nothing to do with the numbers in our vehicles, and everything to do with the love in our hearts, for God and each other.

Our most recent playdate with those big families was blissfully exhausting :)

How NFP Saved Me

When Hubby and I married, nearly 11 years ago, we took the NFP class offered through our parish.  It was the Sympto-Thermal Method.  It ended up not being the best fit for us, but it was the beginning of exploring how my fertility worked (or didn't). 

I was listening to Jennifer Fulwiler speak a couple weeks ago and she said something I've said myself, the Catholic Church is the owner's manual to being human.  Nowhere has this been more true in my personal life than Natural Family Planning.  Especially since finding Creighton.  While I won't claim to being the best of pupils and an emotional residual of infertility is that I'm a little crabby and resist doing all the observations because my frustration says what's the point, I do see the help and value of it in my life. 

Since puberty, I've really struggled with my weight.  Really struggled.  While I eat my feelings on occasion, diet and exercise has never been able to produce proportionate results on my frame.  During certain times in my cycle, I struggled with keeping a handle on my emotions....which is a really nice way of saying I was a rage-a-holic at the end of each cycle.  Sequestering myself was really all I could do to keep the peace while I felt like that.

In the last few years, I've felt tired all the time.  All of it.  I thought perhaps it was having two toddlers at once, then maybe depression over losing one of them. 

So there I was, January 2014, out of control weight, enraged and exhausted.  Then, a friend introduced me to Creighton Model Natural Family Planning.  The benefit of Creighton was advertised as being able to diagnose and treat reproductive health problems.  A big selling point when doctors hadn't been able to give me any answers over the years of infertility.

Five months into the process, after charting, many, many blood draws and driving my own blood serum two hours away for analysis, the numbers came back.  My progesterone was dangerously low.  Very bad.  Like possibly contributing to the ectopic rupture that nearly killed me and the growth delay Sweet Pea had in utero bad. 

The solution was less than palatable, but effective.  Four subcutaneous injections each month timed to provide my body with what it should have been doing on its own.  All to create a normal, balanced cycle. 

All those years of cycling, and I finally experienced a release from the rage, less pain and a generally improved quality of life.  That was more than 20 years of suffering, soothed by scientists faithful to the teachings of the Catholic Church and unwilling to take a band-aid approach to a real problem. 

Because it's not about forcing teachings onto women; it's about honoring our own unique chemistry and fighting for answers when that chemistry is unbalanced.  It's about loving us enough to know our reproductive system is not a disease, but a part of what makes us uniquely woman.  It's about treasuring us enough to work with our bodies, not against them.  It's about giving us answers, solutions, and support.  It's an owner's manual for how we work, and help when things don't. 

Now, we still haven't conceived, even after many months of injections.  But here's the thing, that may or may not ever happen again.  Part of my Lent is making peace with that.  Still, those injections are slowly healing me.  Now, exercise does show results where even the most disciplined routines showed no progress before.  I still have to work harder than the average person, but working hard now does something, which is new for me.  My emotional health is slowly being restored as well.  With the hormone support I receive via injection, I am no longer a slave to the rage that used to overtake me.  Sure, sometimes I'm crabby, but it's a shadow of what once was. 

The pain of menstruation was no small thing for me.  There are still months where I might have some discomfort, but for the most part, that's unusual now.  From debilitating all the time to uncomfortable occasionally is a huge leap, friends.  Huge. 

There's also a piece we may never fully know how it's affected me.  My previous hormone balance put me at great risk of breast cancer.  Every month, my body was bathed in hormones that would support the growth of cancerous cells, with no balance of those that were hostile to them.  I was a petri dish just waiting for the opportunity to grow cancer.  Now, a proper balance of hormones makes me a less promising host.  Maybe someday I'll get cancer.  I know I'll be more vigilant about it than I might have been otherwise.  But, maybe I'll have years longer before the cancer than I would have otherwise.  Maybe it will be less aggressive, maybe it won't happen at all.  It's not something we can measure and know exactly what this new balanced level of hormones is doing for me.  But, it's giving me better odds, and I'm in favor of that.

All of this, all of these health benefits because I wanted our family to be blessed with more children, so we sought answers to why it wasn't happening.  That right there is a blessing in our openness to life; my improving health. 

This improved health is based in bio-identical hormones that add nothing toxic or synthetic to my body.  It creates order in what was the chaos of my infertility.  Creighton sometimes feels like I'm part of a science experiment with the research they collect, but really, at the heart of it, nothing speaks more truly of love for woman, respect for woman than the honoring of her body and its natural processes. 

Nothing has shown me quite so personally the love the Church has for me, the beauty of creation and the wonder of how I am made than the researchers, faithful to the teachings of the Church, who have worked to heal me.  They have worked in cooperation with God, using science to restore, build up and heal women.  I am so grateful to be one of the women benefiting from this work.

If you're suffering from severe mood swings, infertility, or fertility that you would like a better insight into (and options that also support the health and well-being of our environment), I urge you to prayerfully consider Natural Family Planning, especially the Creighton Model.  I didn't know there was a solution to the pain of my cycles and the rage of my pre-menstrual phase for so, so long, until a friend had the courage to hand me a book about Creighton.  There is help, there is healing, there is a way to work with the beauty and magnificence of your body while you seek to limit or increase your family to the place where God is calling you. 

Always Waiting

It's a truth universally recognized by women of low fertility who are trying to conceive that the week before you can know if this is THE month always takes longer than the previous weeks in a cycle. 

Those last few days, when a propensity to cry could be PMS or an early sign of pregnancy. When hunger could be psychological from that New Year's Resolution Diet, or the beginnings of feeding two. 

It's a maddening time. One I face with everything ranging from indifference to insanity every month. Some months the hopes are just higher, and I fall a little further when the predictable happens. 

It seems to be a prolific time among my friends.  I'm starting to lose count on how many children homeschool acquaintances have now.  I'm starting to see others filling the gap between their kids SP's age and new ones already here or on the way. 

In all that wealth, it's so easy to focus on my lack. To see only what I'm missing. 

To feel it keenly every month. 

This strikes me as a kind of purgatory. There's pain and longing, with no clear idea of how much longing, how much pain must be endured.  

And yet, I have faith it will be eased again someday, in part because I know that adoption is an option for us, but mostly because I am putting all my eggs in God's basket and trusting. Painfully, imperfectly, trusting. 

Because even when my days of children are over, I will have been open. I will have trusted. 

Until it's over, I will wait. Every month I will wait and hope. I will cry many more tears, endure many more injections to treat my hormone imbalances, but today there's hope for another day, another child. 

To remind me of why I keep shooting those shots, I need only look around my home :)

The Only Guilt

Did you read what Mandi said?  You should.  She guest posted over at Bonnie's place and it resonated so deeply.

From another mom of few to the moms of many.  We love you so hard and we're trying to show that love so much, but we're working through some things that make your life look like a storybook. 

Then I started thinking about how I'm reading about that storybook from the comfort of my nap time lie down....sans baby.  Just me, taking a little rest break because the tornado alarms went off at 3:45 am (thankfully sans actual tornadoes!) and I'm exhausted.

Sometimes when I'm taking a siesta, I think about all the moms that are slogging through their day with no breaks.  I have those days, but they're not as frequent as I imagine them to be for moms of many.

Molly did such a great job talking about that guilt.  That guilt we moms of few carry.  Because when my only toddler is napping and my nearly 9 y/o is reading a book (or maybe doing the dishes), I can read, watch a show, take a nap, work from home....lots of things that maybe aren't possible for a mom with many young children.

It's so true; out of all the feelings we feel, "that guilt lingers the longest."  Because who is to blame if not our bodies?  Who are we to fault if it's not us?  Maybe I wasn't grateful enough for my first child.....I carried that thought around for five years like a noose, ever tightening. 

Secondary infertility carries heavy doses of guilt.  That I have an easier time parenting (although there's magic in playmates and two has been easier than one for me); that I have a child and am still depressed by the longing for more, as if I must not be a good mother to not be wholly satisfied with one. 

Guilt for having the time to go to the movies with an only, then the resources to buy that child a generous birthday gift.  Guilt that the only child doesn't have siblings; that the siblings aren't close enough in age.  Because somehow, I will ruin this child without having the siblings for her that I perfectly pictured would line up in my perfectly ordered family.

Guilt over the people who look at me every Sunday and think that I'm not open to life.  Guilt over the congratulatory conversations I seem to find myself in with people who think that two is a choice. 

No, it's not my choice. 

But here's the thing.  Here's what I started to say in Molly's combox before it became way too long.  That guilt is really heartbreak.

It is a hurt so deep, you can only blame yourself for finding any joy in your life.  Because how could these moments feel peaceful and easy when I'm dying inside for another child?  How could I for a moment feel contentment when I am praying for more?

Because God is so good.  That's why.  That guilt is not your conscience guiding you towards openness.  We're already there, waiting at the threshold of new life for our turn to carry it again.  We're not guilty because we need to be reminded of the goodness and beauty of carrying and caring for little souls. 

We are guilty because we do not fully understand that God brings comfort, even in our greatest afflictions.

I didn't understand this until a mom of many pointed it out to me.  I was in the midst of losing Sweet Baby.  I looked at my friend and admitted something I had been carrying that made me feel like the worst mother to ever walk the earth (okay, maybe top five worst). 

I said, "You know, I would give up just about anything to keep her, but part of me thinks how much easier it'll be when she's not there.  She's so high needs.  Then I think about what I've just admitted to myself, and I feel like I'm an awful person.  I would choose the hard, but I just know it won't be as hard to parent when she's gone."

She looked at me and said, "But don't you think God would bring you some small measure of comfort in your sorrow?  If it's easier in some ways, just take that as a gift and a reminder of His love."

That was the day I stopped feeling guilty that I can take a nap or watch a movie with my oldest daughter, or go out for ice cream with the girls because my finances are not tight.  We're not rich, but with two girls and my ability to work from home with my super manageable brood, we're much more comfortable than we would be if we had many. 

I don't have to feel guilty about that anymore.  God gives us all consolations in our sorrows.  I choose not to let the guilt weigh down the joy He has for me. 

Share your gifts, share your time and talent.  Give to the world your voice and your heart.  But, when it's 3pm and your only is sleeping, eat the secret ice cream.  And when you do, remember how much God loves you, that even in your hard times, even as you walk through the sorrow of secondary infertility, He brings you comfort.  Don't lock that away from yourself because you think yourself unworthy.

You are beautifully and wonderfully made.  I have walked the path of infertility for eight years now.  It's hard enough, enjoy the moments that come easy.

I am continually blessed by the beautiful women who walk this path of infertility as well.  If you struggle with your abundant fertility, your sub-fertility, or your infertility, know that I offer the cross of my struggle for you.

7 {QTs} Way to Make Yourself Crazy TTC

You know what I'm thinking about right now?  Not much besides that long, long wait between ovulation and the next cycle.  Because when you're Trying to Conceive (TTC), that wait of a few days before the next cycle is approximately three months long in emotional/mental energy.

So, here are seven ways I'm making myself crazy this week....because after 8 years(!) of TTC, I'm actually, really, really good at pysching myself up/out.

So, come join me in the crazy.....because before now, you probably thought I was such a sweet, normal mom who said sweet, heartfelt things.  Nope, certifiable.

Does the crazy show in my eyes?  I thought so.

{1}  Go to this site.  Type in the info, obsess over when you can take a pregnancy test.

{2}  Read all the messages on every one of the fertility groups you follow. 

{3}  Worry about morning sickness on your overseas work trip (insert your summer plans here) that's already been planned.

{4}  Then worry about fertility injections and the logistics thereof for said trip if you're not expecting.

{5}  Review your charts.  A lot.

{6}  Internalize and review every symptom....from that last meal you ate and how it made you feel to the weird stomach spasms to the seasonal allergies.  It's all trying to tell you something! (Like maybe you need some medicine and a nap, but still!)

{7}  Keep it all in.  Don't tell anyone that your mind is going in circles.  Because really, people shouldn't know that you're quite as crazy as me!

For all of you TTC'ers, just know, the mental Olympics you're playing is a game we all play, you're not actually crazy and my truest recommendation is schedule stuff to do that'll keep you busy....or at least marathon watch something on Netflix, Amazon, or Hulu :)

I'm off to do some work this afternoon, then I've got to finish up the Father's Day plans.  Tomorrow includes the Farmer's Market and if I get really desperate for activities, I might actually clean my house, which is in a sore state since I've had a cold and felt yucky all week.

The other best thing you can do is call/text your friend and tell her you've gone to the crazy place.  She'll be super-sympathetic to your craziness, even when she's sitting in the doctor's office for her kiddo's check-up.  (Thanks C!)

And whatever the outcome, I'm sure once my head clears of sinus pressure, everything will seem a little sunnier :)

Linking up with Team Whitaker who are hosting this week's 7QTs.

If I Never Have Another

Molly said something so great this morning.  As I prepared to head out to the gym at 5:30 this morning, I stopped by Facebook to read the feed and found her latest post.  Luckily, it was early, so no one could see me nodding my head as I read.

She just hit the center of it.  It all centers around that phrase, "so long as he/she's healthy".  I wrote about my heart opening past only taking the "perfect" ones, but Molly's take really resonated with me.

Because, there is a different kind of healthy for those of us who have lost a baby during pregnancy.  I still want a healthy baby.  God forgive me my flaws, I know life would be easier with a normal functioning child, and I'm in a place where I trust God with any differences my child might have, but I'll never feel "ready" for it.  Needing to box my kids up in bubbles because of allergies seems to be as close as God has called me so far, but I pray for an open heart.

Still, there's a different kind of healthy I pray for.  The kind that gets born.  The kind that grows and grows.  The kind that lets me meet him/her in this world, to revel in their existence here.  I have not mastered the level of holiness/detachment that would allow me to completely celebrate the soul, whether born here or in heaven. 

When I say I just want a healthy baby; I'll know you're hearing what my heart (and many of us who have experienced loss) means:  I want to meet him/her.  I want the gift of parenting this child.  I want to celebrate a birth without a burial. 

Thinking about loss, pregnancy, and the like today got me thinking about my current standings with fertility and NaProTechnologies.  Last month, I was diagnosed with VERY low progesterone levels. 

I was put on injections of HCG, which have restored my hormone levels to the appropriates natural shifts that occur throughout the month.  The doctor expects me to be pregnant imminently.  She was so optimistic based on my levels, she pushed my follow-up back 3 months!

So, now I'm standing in a doorway, and I'm praying it leads to healthy babies; the kind I get to hold.  My prayer life is eloquent, lemme tell ya'.  About a hundred times a day, I direct this prayer to God, His mother, and the saints:  "Twins.  Twins.  Twins."  I'm the equivalent of the toddler hanging on your leg asking, "why". 

As I stand here on the threshold, I know there's a chance I will have a baby.  There's a chance I will have more than one baby (my tests show very high estrogen, which is causing perhaps multiple ovulations each month).  There's a chance I will never carry a child again.  That's a real chance.  I acknowledge it.

But, here's the thing.  Even if I never have another baby, Creighton was good, being open to life, seeking to bring new life into the world; it was all worth it. 

My doctor told me my risk of breast cancer was very high with the imbalance in my hormones.  Fixing that will bring the risk back down.  These injections have made me feel clear, energetic, and just able to get through the whole day pleasantly and productively.  Previously, doing anything after about 4pm seemed ridiculous because I was burnt out by then.  Now, I have the whole day to work with.

God is so good.  Even absent the gift of another child, seeking life brought me to a happier, healthier place in my own body.  What a beautiful thing.  If I never have another, it was still so worth it.  I have found time and time again that openness and giving my fiat yield unexpected gifts. 

Prayers for you, my friend as you discover the unexpected gifts.

How to Stop Coveting Your Neighbor's Baby

I have been on both sides of the fertility fence.  Enough to know that evil put the fence there.  There shouldn't be a fence, but our wounded broken hearts create a division.

I have been struggling with infertility for seven years.  Throughout those years, I have also struggled in my friendships with friends of normal and high fertility.

It took me six years to have SP.  Six. Years.  During that time, I struggled with finding joy in the pregnancies of others. 

There is no adequate description for the amount of sorrow, suffering and trial that goes into that indefinite wait.  I didn't have a handbook that said it would end after six years.  Every day I woke up, faced with that insurmountable burden, made just bearable by having one child, and I would try to dig out of my self-pity long enough to thank God for her, and pray for those women going through primary infertility.

Something happened though, when I was pregnant with SP that changed my heart.  Someone stopped speaking to me while I was pregnant because she was suffering with infertility.  I had suddenly jumped the fence.  I was on the opposing team now, and I felt hurt and abandoned.  I knew in my heart that it really and truly wasn't about me.  Still, after SIX YEARS of waiting, how could there not be an ounce of joy for my miracle?

The real kicker was, I'd done that myself.  I'd distanced myself from expectant mothers when I was struggling with infertility.  In many ways, I felt abandoned by both camps on the fertility front.  

I have two living children.  I'm at the "two and through" number for most of the world.  But that doesn't mean it's any easier to wait on that next baby.  The longing increases with each day, and despondency and doubt have a chance to take root in those dark moments.  Secondary infertility counts too.

It also gives me a glimpse at both sides of this struggle.  Enough of a look to know we have to kick the damn fence down.  Some convictions are worth swearing about.

To the women weighed down by the oppressive darkness that is infertility, I ask you to do a few things.

First, recognize that in our fallen nature, jealousy and anger are natural feelings.  Do not beat yourself up over it, you've had enough pain without torturing yourself some more.  Be kind to yourself first.  If you need to hide a newsfeed or unfollow a blog so that you can make it through the day, do it.  Just don't stay gone for good.

That means the second thing you need to do is fight for joy.  Find one thing, just one thing that brings joy into your life and do it.  You've likely been a pin cushion and feel more like a medical experiment than a human at this point.  Do something that makes you smile and gets you up on your feet.  I write here.  Sharing my sorrow and joy in this way brings me peace.  Scheduling one outing/field trip/playdate a week with my girls also helps.

Find a fitness class, a pottery class, a poetry reading, anything that taps into a different part of you than your procreative side.  It's so easy to be wrapped up in your worth as it relates to your ability/inability to procreate when you're TTC.  Find something that has nothing to do with that.  Do it just because you can.  It'll help build up those pieces of you that are shattered and disappointed in your own body.

Find someone who has walked the path of infertility as well.  This might be in person or on a blog.  It is so healing and helpful to know that this is not just your struggle.  So many women have stood where you stand.  They can be that light, showing you that slowly your joy will return.  That pang may remain in your heart, but someday you'll delight in all manner of things again.

Once you have found ways to add joy back into your life, dip your toes back into those friendships that have been strained.  The greatest success I had was in finding ways to be of service to those with large families.  Is someone having a baby soon?  Make them a meal, knit a blanket, drop off a few groceries, anything to help.  Do it in small pieces that you can handle.  Pray for them.  Trust me, they're praying for you too.

Finally, and what I've found the most success with, fake it til you make it.  Seriously.  Sometimes actions need to proceed the feelings you'd like to have accompany them.  Smile and congratulate that mother having her xth child.  Delight in her gift, and remember, there is no finite supply of children.  Her child does nothing to affect your likelihood.  That little one isn't one out of your pile, even if you'd be more than willing to take them home, thank you very much!

Be a friend.  Be a helper.  Be you.  What has most effectively taken the sting out of other mother's large broods has been getting to know those women.  It has taken me from seeing their newest addition as a troubling reminder of my lacking to a reminder of God's promise.  He so wants to bless us.  If we're busy looking for a blessing that remains unfulfilled, we'll miss the ones raining out all over us.  Those large families have been my blessing, and the secret to helping to heal my heart in infertility.  Holding their babies still makes me long for more of my own, but it's been the best gift.

I know there is so much heartache accompanying infertility.  To be missing something so central to womanhood is excruciating.  But please, please, come back.  We need to make just as many steps towards removing that dividing line.  You have so much to offer, and your friendship is a blessing.  Let those mamas of many in.  Let them pray for you.  Let them be your comfort.  Let their babies be a gift that reminds you that God is so good.  So, so good.  As hard as it can be some days, those bonds will actually be what bring you back to life.  Celebrate life.  God has a beautiful plan for us, and we will not let evil steal our joy, even in the midst of sorrow.

To the women who want to support us in our struggles:

Please don't complain about your children to us.  We love you, we know you need to vent, please find someone who is equally yoked for that vent session.  We want to be a part of your life, we do.  We want to know how you are, and we want you to share your day with us, but sometimes that complaining comes off like ungratefulness for something we would die for.  It's not you, it's us.  We love you so much and know that there can be just as much "hardness" in being overwhelmed, but we're just a little fragile.  Be kind.  That being said, that hilarious story about your toddler's crazy antics, share away! 

Don't ever offer us a child in jest.  Seriously.  I'll take them.  I'll take them all.  We know that there's probably a child or two who can just hit that particular nerve of yours and you're ready to send them away with the circus, but we can't truly empathize with that sentiment.

I was once told it's better to have too few children than be overwhelmed by too many.  That remains one of the most hurtful things someone ever said to me during my greatest struggles with infertility.  I went through six years of trying to get pregnant and then discovered I was expecting when we had a four week old foster daughter.  I raised a drug-exposed infant who needed to be held constantly while I was pregnant.  SB and SP were 10 months apart.  I had SB until December of last year, so I spent 18 months with kids closer than one year, one of whom was special needs.  I know what overwhelmed feels like.  It's better.  So much better. 

Be joyful in your vocation.  Celebrate your new arrivals.  If we can't handle it at that particular stage in our journey, we'll pull back.  Please don't take it personally.  We are loving you from afar and do hereby solemnly swear to plug back in as we're able.  Be that joyful voice that motherhood is beautiful and that we're struggling towards something that is worth the struggle.  Don't minimize the gift, we already know it's amazing, or we wouldn't be subjecting ourselves to medical interventions and/or adoption home studies.

In all things, know that we're trying to love you and your family as best we can.  And we'll trust you to do the same.

There's only sides if we refuse to budge from our particular angle.  Evil knows we're stronger together.  Let's do more to love and celebrate each other. 

FINALLY - An Answer

God is so good.  So. Good.  After 7....that's right SEVEN years, I have an answer.

There is a problem.  It's not just in my head, it's not just stress, I don't just need to relax and it'll happen.

Last month, I did a complete hormone profile by having my blood drawn every other day for a couple weeks.  Turns out, I have fantastic estrogen.  Like, twinsies levels of estrogen.  So, why am I not up to my ears in babies?

MY PROGESTERONE!

My levels are about a third of what they should be.  There's just not anything going on there.  Nada.  Nothing.  Zilch.  That hormone that supports pregnancy?  Not there.  That hormone that protects against risk of breast cancer?  Not there.  That hormone oh-so-necessary for normal, healthy weight loss?  Not there!  That hormone that helps prevent ectopics?  NOT THERE!

I got off the phone and cried tears of joy.  I'm going to start injections timed to my cycle to correct my hormones.

That sliver of hope I had left in my soul just experienced a dramatic increase.  The stone has been rolled away.  I am an Easter person and Hallelujah is my song!

There are no guarantees, that's not the way life works.  But it looks good.  It looks really good.  My Lent is ending and Easter is coming.

Through all the dark moments of infertility, God has been good.  Through all the heartache and pain over losing SB, God has been good.  In this moment, I am overwhelmed by the blessing of knowing.  I am overwhelmed by the joy at the prospect of this happening again:

It's fitting that this happened during Infertility Awareness Week.

My hope has been renewed.  I am profoundly grateful for the modern medicine that can find these answers.  I am profoundly grateful to a friend who had the courage to hand me a book that started me on a journey towards learning Creighton and seeking out a NaPro doctor.  I am also grateful said friend (who has a background in nursing) has also agreed to help me figure out giving myself the shot if I can't figure it out (the doctor said it should be intuitive, but we shall see). 

Happy Easter.  He has risen.  Alleluia.  Alleluia.  He has risen.

As I begin routine injections, my prayers will remain, as always, with those who are expecting, those who are struggling with infertility, and those who are overwhelmed by the gift of their fertility.  May God bless you this Easter season.

Spiritual Warfare and Fertility

As I mentioned last week, I'm taking the next steps forward in Creighton to determine possible causes of low fertility.

The running theory, based on my charts, is that there may be a low-grade infection in the mix, causing enough irritation to prevent implantation and successful having of the babies.

There's also some indication that maybe a prescription strength daily dose of B6 to promote fertility would not be amiss.

So, that's what's been happening since Wednesday.  Well, tomorrow I'm supposed to begin every-other-day blood draws.  I've had my blood drawn tons of times and, while it's not my favorite thing, it's one of those things I'm pretty resigned to doing without much fuss.  The actual blood drawing part of it doesn't bother me. 

However, I have some unusual orders from the doctor's office.  I have to get my blood drawn and spun down into the serum portion, then I have to get it back from them, take it home and put it in my deep freeze until all the samples have been collected, at which time, I can drive them the 2 hours back to the doctor's office.  (There are only a handful of places in the country that can do the actual testing at the rigor needed for reliable results.)

Now, I have doctor's orders, and I have specific directions, but I HATE standing out or being different in any way, especially as relates to things where others have more authority over the situation (such as a person drawing my blood not thinking it's a good idea to hand it back over to a lay person, even with orders).  I don't like causing a fuss and I have to be fairly provoked before that part of my temperament that will run you over like a steam roller emerges.....it's there, but she's just so unpleasant, I'd just as soon you didn't meet her. 

Tomorrow the blood draws begin, and today I really should stop by the lab to make sure they understand the instructions and have no questions that need to be settled with the doctor's office before they can proceed.

Knowing that I'm faced with this task that causes me anxiety and is high on my list of unpleasant things today (we cleaned the whole house today and it's not even registering on the list, so to each their own list of freak-outs and unpleasantness, I suppose), I woke up anxious.

The first thoughts in my mind this morning were, two is a good number.  We should just stop trying to have kids and life would be so much easier.  We wouldn't need to expand the attic into a bedroom this summer, no more doctor's appointments and no fighting for something that the world doesn't even seem to value.....I can just stop fighting.  Wouldn't that be nice?  Wouldn't that be fun?  To just have two girls and be able to travel, Hubby could work less, it would be great. 

Then, in a moment where it felt like time to call the whole thing off, it struck me, this is the voice of evil.  This is temptation.  This is an easier, less joy-filled, more self-centered way to live......and it sounds so da*n inviting.  It doesn't require anything from me.  Nothing scary or uncomfortable....no worrying, no wondering, it's an empowerment of self that sounds so tantalizing.  I will grab back the control of the uncontrollable by simply doing nothing.   As the tempestuous child flings their hands up and leaves, so too will I. 

Wouldn't it feel good to let go of this heartbreaking fight?  Wouldn't you just like to rest?  STOP.  My children are worth fighting for, future ones included. 

Today is one of those days I'm thankful for small graces, like finding The Spicy Catholic talking about what a blessing Creighton was in identifying some issues as she looks forward to the second trimester with her third.  Little things like that can help turn the internal battle that rages on in me. 

I just needed to see a small glimpse of possibility today....that someone else fought and won.  I am battle weary, just as I near this next rise, unsure if I'll find victory on the other side.

This is the beauty of our online community.  A recent community started up on FB called The Catholic Brew.  I've found quite a few new bloggers through it, and am reminded of how much we have in each other.  Sometimes just a word, a prayer, a shared idea, is enough to help your comrade in arms through the next siege.

That struggle this morning also gave me a sudden thought - there must be something fruitful coming from this Creighton.  Something wonderful (baby, marital closeness, increased prayer life) is coming from this, otherwise, why the attack?  He's never bothered me much when I've been worried about paint colors and landscape projects.  Now, though, now I'm turning my energy to life....and death doesn't seem to care much for it.  Something is going to happen, something is happening.  I have more firmly dug my feet into prayer, sacrifice and suffering and whether the blessing is visible or not, the lines have been drawn more deeply, yet again.  I stand for life.

I know for some, the battle within might be finding the voice of prudence to delay another child.  For some, this might not even be the spiritual battleground.  In all of the different daily struggles, I'm so thankful for the variety of faith-filled women I share with in the blogosphere.  I am so thankful that we are a supportive and uplifting people, whether it's sharing the excitement of a new baby or lifting up someone who's in a bad moment.

Thank you all for joining me in prayer, for your love and support.  As I anxiously walk this path (attempting my best to lay down the anxiety), you are remembered in prayer. 

{Theme Thursday} Rich

Linking up with Clan Donaldson for Theme Thursday and Instagramming along with #holylens over at Surviving Our Blessings.



The theme today is rich.  This morning, as I fed my girls sausage, certified-cruelty-free eggs and whole milk, I looked around and realized this is what rich would mean to most of the world.  Forget the whole 99% campaign - to most of the world, we are the 1% - and it is oh so easy for me to forget that truth.  Thank you God for all my riches, even if I'm not rich by American standards, I know that I have an earthly wealth beyond many.  Next time I inwardly (or outwardly) complain about the price of filling up my operable vehicles or the size of my heated and air-conditioned house with running water, I'm sorry in advance.

My girls, getting plenty of protein in a comfortable home #rich

Yesterday was also the much-anxiety-inducing doctor's appointment - the first in my Creighton NaPro Technology fertility appointments.  I was sure my charting was going to show some massive problem....but, to my surprise, the doctor said....it looked pretty good.  Ugh, not what I wanted to hear.  I wanted there to be some obvious anomaly.  Not so, not so.  I'm a little disheartened this morning.

Only a little though.  Based on my charting and symptoms, I was fairly sure I would be prescribed progesterone....nope, not so.  Instead, the doctor prescribed an antibiotic and B6.  There is some indication that there may be an underlying low-grade infection.  This infection might be irritating my uterus enough that I'm not getting pregnant.  Perhaps that would explain the three spontaneous conceptions....maybe I was between infections.  Regardless, the next step is a round of 10 days of antibiotics for Hubby and I....it's a team effort.  The next prescription was for a time-released B6 supplement.  This is supposed to increase symptoms of fertility, supporting conception.  As the doctor put it, "can't hurt, might help".

As I drove home last night, the thought occurred to me that I really don't care if I'm a victim of the placebo effect.  Maybe just taking these medications will have some bearing on my stress or our hopefulness and *boom* a baby!  I'm totally okay with it being all in my head if that's what gets us another little person.

The next more aggressive step I signed on for is a hormone profile.  I really have mixed feelings about this one.  I think I need progesterone......for PMS if nothing else.  However, what if the hormone profile shows that it's all in my head.  I'm super accomplished at hypochondria.  What if there's nothing there?  No answer?  Circling back around to question everything all over again.

One of the most troubling parts of infertility/low fertility is that I doubt myself, I doubt my wholeness.  What if there's no medical diagnosis because it's just me and I'm about to be dismissed as cuckoo yet again?  Looking for answers after 7 years of struggling has brought me to a place that holds a lot of the old desperation I thought I'd let go of.  I'm not a fan of revisiting it.

One of the thoughts I had as I was trying to fall asleep last night was, "what if we discover something so wrong with me that there is no explanation for the miracles of our girls?"  Really, what if that's the story.  As much as I hope and pray for more children, that thought was a reminder of how much I've truly been blessed in the sweet girls I have.

Dwija was kind to remind me that really and truly, evil attacks what is good, and me looking for answers and fighting to bring more souls into this world to know, love and serve God....that's the pinnacle of good.  So, the war within will rage on.  Voices of doubt will creep into every step, every moment.  Taking vitamins and antibiotics will feel futile at times.  Charting will feel laborious.

But I can attack back.  I can pray, fast and work for good.  Starting on Tuesday, I'll be having my blood drawn every other day for the better part of a month to complete the hormone profile.  I will silence the voices of fear and doubt by doing.  If nothing is identified, that's not defeat, that's one step closer to the answer, it's one problem ruled out.

In this fight, there is one tool, one weapon that has been my comfort and shield.  Your prayers and love.  As I sat in the doctor's waiting room, my anxiety was at an 8/10.  I was nearly physically ill with worry.  I threw a little post on Facebook about how I was feeling anxious.  You answered with love and prayers.  So, today, as I fight the rebellion within my heart to chart diligently and take all the prescribed pills, I know I am rich in you.  Your intercessions are so welcomed and appreciated.  You cannot know just how much it means every time one of you comments that you're praying.  Seriously.  In those moments when I remember to be a better person, I offer my anxieties and waiting up for you.  Because we all have crosses, but carrying them in unity eases the journey.

I'm rich in your friendship and prayers

For a take on the beauty of our unity this Lent, check out my Three Reasons: Lent Edition.

{Theme Thursday} Answer

This week, Theme Thursday over at Clan Donaldson is linking up with the #holylens project by Abbey.





Today, as you can see, is Answer.  I started my morning by writing an answer to some long-overdue correspondence.

My other big task of the morning has been filling out intake forms for a FertilityCare appointment next Wednesday....and that's where the real story is today.

Hubby and I are in the process of learning the Creighton Model of Natural Family Planning.  Because of its specificity and scientific rigidity, it's been used in many instances with great success to overcome fertility issues. 

I haven't talked about how Creighton is going much lately, but I'm feeling called to be very honest about where I am right now.  Maybe you or someone you know is somewhere similar and this sharing will help....or maybe the vent will prepare me to move past my struggles.

With secondary infertility, there isn't much burden to chart or follow any particular system.  Babies are heart-breakingly few and far between in these parts, but there's also not a lot of effort required either. 

Having unexplained fertility problems for 7 years now, I've been out of practice with charting.  Creighton requires an investment in your mental space that I wasn't quite prepared for.  Observing mucus before and after each bathroom break?  Still seems a little OCD to me, but I'm trying to be a good student.  That there's science backing up all this excessiveness does make it at least tolerable to keep track....mostly.  But really, I'm in a silent revolt over charting.

The revolt makes absolutely no sense.  The charting has already picked up some biomarkers that suggest underlying issues, so I'm not doubting it works, but it feels like such a chore.  Really, can't I just go to the bathroom in peace without every trip being a constant vigil for signs of fertility?  No? Well, then I'm going to whine and complain in my head constantly until it seems like such a burden I'd rather just give up.  *Well, hello voice of evil sowing seeds of discontent when it's not easy.*

I'm struggling with Creighton.  I truly believe it will hold the answers to what the heck is going on with me; to why I can have two spontaneous pregnancies in 9 years, but concentrated efforts seem to have no effect.  And I think that's partly the key to my struggle.

I am terrified.  Terrified it won't work because it really is my Obi Wan Kenobi, but more, I'm terrified that it will work; that my life is about to change drastically.  That, dare to hope, I might be standing on the precipice about to dive head-first into what we've always wanted:  a large family. 

Who will I be with more children?  Who will I be when infertility is no longer a part of me?  Can I do it?  Am I brave enough to find out?

It took me two weeks from the time I got the doctor's phone number to placing the call.  My appointment is next Wednesday at 3:00pm Central Time.  My anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10 is hovering right around an 8 over this appointment.

Having read through typical procedures, I'm thinking there's a high likelihood I'll be doing exploratory surgery in the near future to check that my remaining fallopian tube is free of blockages, perhaps a check for endometriosis and perhaps even a 14-day blood profile.  These physical aspects are equally terrifying.  I don't wanna.

But, more than I don't want to do it; more than I'm anxious over the future; more than I worry that health insurance won't want to cover the costs and we'll be punching a hole in our savings; I need an answer.

Why aren't there more faces on this wall?  April 17th will mark 10 years of marriage for Hubby and I.  What is going on?  Why hasn't our openness resulted in a van-load?

I'm terrified to know.  Terrified something won't work.  Terrified something will.  Just really struggling in general with being (perhaps) so close to knowing.

It's time to find an answer.

{WWRW} and Creighton Updates

Monday night, we drove another 3-hour roundtrip to meet with our Creighton Model instructor.  Having learned the basics of two methods already, I'm feeling like a remedial student because much of it is review.

I have to just keep reminding myself of the efficacy of the model in achieving pregnancy.......our kids are super cute, that's GOT to be motivation!

And they're cool kids too!

So, we're still driving at least three more times for follow-ups and then we're hoping to start web chatting for follow-ups.  Here's hoping we can find the triggers for my super-low fertility and work towards healing my body.  Thank you for all your prayers and love!

My first read for What We're Reading Wednesday was a purchase directly related to our new practice of the Creighton model.  (The first month requires abstinence to set a baseline and then there are continued periods of abstinence for low fertility to increase likelihood of conceiving.) 

When you're of low fertility, there can certainly be a different dynamic in marriage from a couple actively practicing NFP.  So, to get a little emotional support for a different season of life, I bought Simcha's book, The Sinner's Guide to Natural Family Planning. 


The book, as the title suggests, is a good, practical guide to living a more peaceful, grace-filled NFP marriage.  Her humor was really my favorite part....well, that and the oh-so-practical tone.  I get the feeling from reading it that she's the kind of friend to whom you can speak frankly, deeply, personally.

She GETS it!  The dichotomy of the beautiful, flowery brochure of NFP and married life versus the practice and use in real married life was something she pulled out with such humor and realism.  She also gave such practical advice to grow in holiness and kindness through practicing NFP. 

Get it, read it, be renewed in your commitment to live in the fullness of truth and union with the Church.  Seriously.

The other book I read this week was Teaching in Your Tiara.  My overall impression is that I picked up this book four years later than I should have. In my defense, the book came out May 2013. 

I started homeschooling four years ago and I was the only person in my family who's ever done that.  I was concerned that I wouldn't do it right, that I would forever scar my daughter and that I was generally ruining everyone's life.  She was FOUR.

This book is a gift for any homeschooler.  The first half of the book especially is very practical, how-to-begin oriented.  I thought perhaps I wouldn't like the book, but I kept reading.....and discovered it had so much more to offer than just a how-to-begin primer. 

It was also kind of a walk through a lot of concerns I'd had in the past and her reasonable, humor-filled voice really reassured me.  It's always nice to read that you weren't the only one who went through something.....from the curriculum debate to the concern about less-than-enthusiastic family members.

Perhaps my favorite section was worrying about whether or not homeschooling would make your child weird.  The answer?  Yes, yes they'll likely be weird because the kind of parent that chooses to homeschool is likely to the side of mainstream....well played Rebecca, well played.

This is the kind of book that new homeschoolers should read as part of that initial research phase, but it also has a lot of sound advice and camaraderie to offer the more experienced homeschooler.  In all, such an excellent book.

I loved both my books this week and I think you should read them too!

Check out what everyone else is reading over at Jessica's.

When the World Keeps Moving {Weekends with Chesterton}

When you're struggling with a loss or infertility, there comes a moment or a series of moments when the world takes a leap ahead and the leap takes you further into the realization of what isn't.

If you're longing for your next little one, this probably comes through someone's own announcement of expectation.  When you see the leap their life will make and you're still stuck in neutral gear.  Even after years of secondary infertility, this is still the hardest of moments.  Because I am truly so filled with joy for the sister, friend, fellow blogger, whomever is experiencing that gift of new life.  But that joy for them always renews the longing.  Really, it's never far from the surface.

It brings to mind thoughts like, "when is it my turn?".  But it's not about turns.  It's all about our roads to heaven.  Mine likely won't include a Duggar-like clan.  I may never need more seats than a mini-van....or even a sedan.  My longing brings me to Christ.  In a way that those mothers are brought further down the road of sanctification by additional children, mine seems to be an emptier road.  On the good days, I trust that I need this way; that this path has a purpose.  On the bad days, I question my way and doubt that I will feel the sunshine of grace upon me again.

The knowledge resides in me, learned after many years of questioning and doubt, that these moments can be my next step on the journey too.  I truly am not stuck in neutral gear idling away while I wait for life to start with a sudden increased and abundant fertility.  My next step in grace may seem imperceptible to most.  My next step forward is nearly invisible to the outside world.  It looks as if perhaps, I'm just running in place, but my next step forward is to choose to live in those moments of joy with those around me.  Today is not my day to make such an announcement.  Indeed, that day may never come again.  But I will not let that rob me of the joy of new life.  There may be a pain in my heart or tears in my eyes that my way does not include a "quiver full", but I am no less exuberant about the beauty of new life, no less joyful over the beauty of a large family.  Perhaps I am more exuberant and more joy-filled at the sight of a newborn or a large family, because I have learned at great personal price how truly remarkable they are.  I have learned in years of barrenness what abundance could not have taught me.  

For this, I will be glad in my heart for those who are expecting and I will wait in joyful anticipation with them, whether it be a first, a sixth, an eighth....let us not lose the spirit of rejoicing. 

Truly, the only object of our liberty is the gift of life.  May we live it abundantly, even when the blessings we pray for are more scarce than we would wish.

Linking up with Amongst Lovely Things for:

The Beginning of Creighton

Last night marked the beginning of learning our third (that's right, THIRD) NFP model. 

When we were newly engaged, we learned the Sympto-Thermal method (temps and symptoms, as the name suggests).  When we were TTC after Little Bean, we learned the Billings Method (no temps, based on observations). 

Well, feeling like NFP flunkies, we made the 3 hour round-trip to start learning yet another way to track my sub-fertile self.  For those who might be interested, here are my take-aways:

• Relieved I don't have to wake up at the same time every day to take my temp.  Those two mornings I get up at 5:15 would've meant a whole week of 5:15.....no thanks.  Delighted to discover no temp taking in Creighton.
• If you've learned Billings, the first session of Creighton is going to be A LOT of review.
• If you don't vibe with your teacher, find a new one.  Luckily, I felt that connection with our teacher from the moment she opened the door....you want someone you feel a certain level of comfort with if you're going to have such personal and candid conversations, for sure.
• We need a ton more Creighton teachers.....I shouldn't have to drive 90 miles four more times in the next 8 weeks just to find a teacher.  Anyone?  Anyone?  They prefer those with a nursing degree already, so, who's ready?!?!?
• They should tell you when you schedule that there's a month of abstinence when you first start charting, just saying, it's a good fact to get out of the way up front.
• That 76% effective statistic in helping infertile/subfertile couples achieve pregnancy (in combination with NaPro specialists) is what will keep me driving 3 hours every two weeks.  

Now, before we meet again in two weeks, I have to get my homework done:

I'll keep you updated on what we learn.  Praying for all those mamas expecting or hoping to expect as I offer up our drive especially for them.