If I Never Have Another

Molly said something so great this morning.  As I prepared to head out to the gym at 5:30 this morning, I stopped by Facebook to read the feed and found her latest post.  Luckily, it was early, so no one could see me nodding my head as I read.

She just hit the center of it.  It all centers around that phrase, "so long as he/she's healthy".  I wrote about my heart opening past only taking the "perfect" ones, but Molly's take really resonated with me.

Because, there is a different kind of healthy for those of us who have lost a baby during pregnancy.  I still want a healthy baby.  God forgive me my flaws, I know life would be easier with a normal functioning child, and I'm in a place where I trust God with any differences my child might have, but I'll never feel "ready" for it.  Needing to box my kids up in bubbles because of allergies seems to be as close as God has called me so far, but I pray for an open heart.

Still, there's a different kind of healthy I pray for.  The kind that gets born.  The kind that grows and grows.  The kind that lets me meet him/her in this world, to revel in their existence here.  I have not mastered the level of holiness/detachment that would allow me to completely celebrate the soul, whether born here or in heaven. 

When I say I just want a healthy baby; I'll know you're hearing what my heart (and many of us who have experienced loss) means:  I want to meet him/her.  I want the gift of parenting this child.  I want to celebrate a birth without a burial. 

Thinking about loss, pregnancy, and the like today got me thinking about my current standings with fertility and NaProTechnologies.  Last month, I was diagnosed with VERY low progesterone levels. 

I was put on injections of HCG, which have restored my hormone levels to the appropriates natural shifts that occur throughout the month.  The doctor expects me to be pregnant imminently.  She was so optimistic based on my levels, she pushed my follow-up back 3 months!

So, now I'm standing in a doorway, and I'm praying it leads to healthy babies; the kind I get to hold.  My prayer life is eloquent, lemme tell ya'.  About a hundred times a day, I direct this prayer to God, His mother, and the saints:  "Twins.  Twins.  Twins."  I'm the equivalent of the toddler hanging on your leg asking, "why". 

As I stand here on the threshold, I know there's a chance I will have a baby.  There's a chance I will have more than one baby (my tests show very high estrogen, which is causing perhaps multiple ovulations each month).  There's a chance I will never carry a child again.  That's a real chance.  I acknowledge it.

But, here's the thing.  Even if I never have another baby, Creighton was good, being open to life, seeking to bring new life into the world; it was all worth it. 

My doctor told me my risk of breast cancer was very high with the imbalance in my hormones.  Fixing that will bring the risk back down.  These injections have made me feel clear, energetic, and just able to get through the whole day pleasantly and productively.  Previously, doing anything after about 4pm seemed ridiculous because I was burnt out by then.  Now, I have the whole day to work with.

God is so good.  Even absent the gift of another child, seeking life brought me to a happier, healthier place in my own body.  What a beautiful thing.  If I never have another, it was still so worth it.  I have found time and time again that openness and giving my fiat yield unexpected gifts. 

Prayers for you, my friend as you discover the unexpected gifts.