I've had panels of blood draws, glucose tests, thyroid tests, diet changes.
I've recently even lost about 35 (!) pounds.
However, on June 5th, I turned 35, and the volume on my internal clock has become less like listening to the end of an egg timer and more like standing inside Big Ben at midnight.
Added to that, I've been having some pains I'd like to have investigated, so, I made the trek back down to my doctor.
When I met with her, she told me I've done the medical side and what remained is the (gulp) surgical side.
My next best course of treatment is exploratory laparoscopy. They'll put me under, make a few small incisions and poke around looking for cysts, fibroids, endometriosis, anything that could explain this unexplained infertility and pains.
Since my doctor told me ago, I've been living with varying levels of anxiety. From full blown panic to a low grade hum in the background.
Now, it's time for surgery. Tomorrow (Wednesday) morning, I'll be getting up bright and early for my husband to drive us down to the surgical center two hours away, sitting in prep for two hours, and then having surgery for however long it takes to fix or repair as best she can whatever is going on inside.
I've run the full gambit of worst case scenarios. There's a little echo on my ears of the doctor telling me that, as with any surgery, there's a risk of death. However unlikely, the words are spinning on repeat in the back of my head.
There's also a niggling fear over why I've been having pains. Cysts? Fibroids? Something worse?
In all likelihood, I'll be uncomfortable for a few days and hopefully have more answers than before. I've been put under general anesthesia a few times and it's always been fine.
As I was reflecting on it all, it occurred to me that my husband really has the worst end of this. I'm going to go to sleep and it'll all be over when I wake up. My husband, on the other hand, has to watch them wheel me away, wait as they do surgery and then wait to be let into the recovery room.
Waiting is harder than doing. At least it always has been for me.
So tomorrow, please keep my husband in your prayers as he waits.