The theme today is rich. This morning, as I fed my girls sausage, certified-cruelty-free eggs and whole milk, I looked around and realized this is what rich would mean to most of the world. Forget the whole 99% campaign - to most of the world, we are the 1% - and it is oh so easy for me to forget that truth. Thank you God for all my riches, even if I'm not rich by American standards, I know that I have an earthly wealth beyond many. Next time I inwardly (or outwardly) complain about the price of filling up my operable vehicles or the size of my heated and air-conditioned house with running water, I'm sorry in advance.
|My girls, getting plenty of protein in a comfortable home #rich|
Yesterday was also the much-anxiety-inducing doctor's appointment - the first in my Creighton NaPro Technology fertility appointments. I was sure my charting was going to show some massive problem....but, to my surprise, the doctor said....it looked pretty good. Ugh, not what I wanted to hear. I wanted there to be some obvious anomaly. Not so, not so. I'm a little disheartened this morning.
Only a little though. Based on my charting and symptoms, I was fairly sure I would be prescribed progesterone....nope, not so. Instead, the doctor prescribed an antibiotic and B6. There is some indication that there may be an underlying low-grade infection. This infection might be irritating my uterus enough that I'm not getting pregnant. Perhaps that would explain the three spontaneous conceptions....maybe I was between infections. Regardless, the next step is a round of 10 days of antibiotics for Hubby and I....it's a team effort. The next prescription was for a time-released B6 supplement. This is supposed to increase symptoms of fertility, supporting conception. As the doctor put it, "can't hurt, might help".
As I drove home last night, the thought occurred to me that I really don't care if I'm a victim of the placebo effect. Maybe just taking these medications will have some bearing on my stress or our hopefulness and *boom* a baby! I'm totally okay with it being all in my head if that's what gets us another little person.
The next more aggressive step I signed on for is a hormone profile. I really have mixed feelings about this one. I think I need progesterone......for PMS if nothing else. However, what if the hormone profile shows that it's all in my head. I'm super accomplished at hypochondria. What if there's nothing there? No answer? Circling back around to question everything all over again.
One of the most troubling parts of infertility/low fertility is that I doubt myself, I doubt my wholeness. What if there's no medical diagnosis because it's just me and I'm about to be dismissed as cuckoo yet again? Looking for answers after 7 years of struggling has brought me to a place that holds a lot of the old desperation I thought I'd let go of. I'm not a fan of revisiting it.
One of the thoughts I had as I was trying to fall asleep last night was, "what if we discover something so wrong with me that there is no explanation for the miracles of our girls?" Really, what if that's the story. As much as I hope and pray for more children, that thought was a reminder of how much I've truly been blessed in the sweet girls I have.
Dwija was kind to remind me that really and truly, evil attacks what is good, and me looking for answers and fighting to bring more souls into this world to know, love and serve God....that's the pinnacle of good. So, the war within will rage on. Voices of doubt will creep into every step, every moment. Taking vitamins and antibiotics will feel futile at times. Charting will feel laborious.
But I can attack back. I can pray, fast and work for good. Starting on Tuesday, I'll be having my blood drawn every other day for the better part of a month to complete the hormone profile. I will silence the voices of fear and doubt by doing. If nothing is identified, that's not defeat, that's one step closer to the answer, it's one problem ruled out.
In this fight, there is one tool, one weapon that has been my comfort and shield. Your prayers and love. As I sat in the doctor's waiting room, my anxiety was at an 8/10. I was nearly physically ill with worry. I threw a little post on Facebook about how I was feeling anxious. You answered with love and prayers. So, today, as I fight the rebellion within my heart to chart diligently and take all the prescribed pills, I know I am rich in you. Your intercessions are so welcomed and appreciated. You cannot know just how much it means every time one of you comments that you're praying. Seriously. In those moments when I remember to be a better person, I offer my anxieties and waiting up for you. Because we all have crosses, but carrying them in unity eases the journey.
|I'm rich in your friendship and prayers|