Monday, March 24, 2014

Spiritual Warfare and Fertility

As I mentioned last week, I'm taking the next steps forward in Creighton to determine possible causes of low fertility.

The running theory, based on my charts, is that there may be a low-grade infection in the mix, causing enough irritation to prevent implantation and successful having of the babies.

There's also some indication that maybe a prescription strength daily dose of B6 to promote fertility would not be amiss.

So, that's what's been happening since Wednesday.  Well, tomorrow I'm supposed to begin every-other-day blood draws.  I've had my blood drawn tons of times and, while it's not my favorite thing, it's one of those things I'm pretty resigned to doing without much fuss.  The actual blood drawing part of it doesn't bother me. 

However, I have some unusual orders from the doctor's office.  I have to get my blood drawn and spun down into the serum portion, then I have to get it back from them, take it home and put it in my deep freeze until all the samples have been collected, at which time, I can drive them the 2 hours back to the doctor's office.  (There are only a handful of places in the country that can do the actual testing at the rigor needed for reliable results.)

Now, I have doctor's orders, and I have specific directions, but I HATE standing out or being different in any way, especially as relates to things where others have more authority over the situation (such as a person drawing my blood not thinking it's a good idea to hand it back over to a lay person, even with orders).  I don't like causing a fuss and I have to be fairly provoked before that part of my temperament that will run you over like a steam roller's there, but she's just so unpleasant, I'd just as soon you didn't meet her. 

Tomorrow the blood draws begin, and today I really should stop by the lab to make sure they understand the instructions and have no questions that need to be settled with the doctor's office before they can proceed.

Knowing that I'm faced with this task that causes me anxiety and is high on my list of unpleasant things today (we cleaned the whole house today and it's not even registering on the list, so to each their own list of freak-outs and unpleasantness, I suppose), I woke up anxious.

The first thoughts in my mind this morning were, two is a good number.  We should just stop trying to have kids and life would be so much easier.  We wouldn't need to expand the attic into a bedroom this summer, no more doctor's appointments and no fighting for something that the world doesn't even seem to value.....I can just stop fighting.  Wouldn't that be nice?  Wouldn't that be fun?  To just have two girls and be able to travel, Hubby could work less, it would be great. 

Then, in a moment where it felt like time to call the whole thing off, it struck me, this is the voice of evil.  This is temptation.  This is an easier, less joy-filled, more self-centered way to live......and it sounds so da*n inviting.  It doesn't require anything from me.  Nothing scary or worrying, no wondering, it's an empowerment of self that sounds so tantalizing.  I will grab back the control of the uncontrollable by simply doing nothing.   As the tempestuous child flings their hands up and leaves, so too will I. 

Wouldn't it feel good to let go of this heartbreaking fight?  Wouldn't you just like to rest?  STOP.  My children are worth fighting for, future ones included. 

Today is one of those days I'm thankful for small graces, like finding The Spicy Catholic talking about what a blessing Creighton was in identifying some issues as she looks forward to the second trimester with her third.  Little things like that can help turn the internal battle that rages on in me. 

I just needed to see a small glimpse of possibility today....that someone else fought and won.  I am battle weary, just as I near this next rise, unsure if I'll find victory on the other side.

This is the beauty of our online community.  A recent community started up on FB called The Catholic Brew.  I've found quite a few new bloggers through it, and am reminded of how much we have in each other.  Sometimes just a word, a prayer, a shared idea, is enough to help your comrade in arms through the next siege.

That struggle this morning also gave me a sudden thought - there must be something fruitful coming from this Creighton.  Something wonderful (baby, marital closeness, increased prayer life) is coming from this, otherwise, why the attack?  He's never bothered me much when I've been worried about paint colors and landscape projects.  Now, though, now I'm turning my energy to life....and death doesn't seem to care much for it.  Something is going to happen, something is happening.  I have more firmly dug my feet into prayer, sacrifice and suffering and whether the blessing is visible or not, the lines have been drawn more deeply, yet again.  I stand for life.

I know for some, the battle within might be finding the voice of prudence to delay another child.  For some, this might not even be the spiritual battleground.  In all of the different daily struggles, I'm so thankful for the variety of faith-filled women I share with in the blogosphere.  I am so thankful that we are a supportive and uplifting people, whether it's sharing the excitement of a new baby or lifting up someone who's in a bad moment.

Thank you all for joining me in prayer, for your love and support.  As I anxiously walk this path (attempting my best to lay down the anxiety), you are remembered in prayer. 


  1. Anxiety can be such a challenge! I hope you are blessed with peace as you walk down this path, and I'm sure wherever it leads will be good!

  2. Annery, I've been reading here for a while and today felt compelled to at least offer a word of encouragement. I could've written this post myself just a few short years ago. I will say though that the blessing of Creighton, many labs, HCG shots, much charting, Clomid and many other alternatives, ultimately brought us two little girls who have blessed us abundantly. After having our first two children with ease, we went through 5 years of unexplained infertility/subfertility. To this day, it still hasn't been figured out exactly what caused it or if it was one single issue. Thankfully, I was blessed to finally find a Creighton physician two hrs away and then a new doc closer to home who took me on. I was on my last round of Clomid and we had just received the paperwork from Pope Paul VI Institute with their recommended treatment options. I had begun the process and resigned to 7-10 days of treatment at PPVI....and then I found out I was pregnant. After our Gianna, we found ourselves two months postpartum, pregnant AGAIN! Surprise! I tell you this because many, many days and months I faced what you are facing and I did feel exactly as you explained. To have a 'normal' life, to just move on with our two children. Not to be jabbed with needles, not to feel the anxiety each month and the endless waiting.

    Oh, but God does have such an amazing plan! And yes, there is fruitfulness in the journey. I will continue to keep you in my prayers and that you are granted extra peace when you need it as you move forward.

  3. I too have felt weary about all the hoops I had to jump through to figure out what was wrong with my fertility and asked, is all this really worth it?? Thankfully God's grace pulled us through and it WAS all worth it. Hang in there. Praying for you. God will use this time to draw you even closer to him. You are his precious daughter and he will get you through this. xoxo

  4. You continue to be in our daily prayers! Much love sent your way! Such an insightful post! :-)

  5. This is the first time I've read your blog. I found it while searching for some direction in spiritual warfare for fertility. I like to say I am in warfare for fertility and not infertility because as a daughter of God, scripture confirms that I am not infertile (Deut 7:14). That being said, God has made it clear that I am in spiritual warfare and it is time for me to be strong in this battle. The thing is, this is really the first time I have had to fight so hard for something on my knees. No one can step in and fix this other than faith and God himself. I found myself so touched by this blog post because I too have recently felt the urge to say screw it, just forget about having kids and enjoy having my husband all to myself, take extravagant trips, and start a career. Most of my friends complain pregnancy and childhood anyway. You are so on point when you say that this is just the voice of temptation. I recently came across this scripture which resonated with me: Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. (James 1:12) I totally feel like resisting temptation is fighting the good fight even when it defies human logic and comfort. God uses all of our struggles for His glory and to bring us closer to Him. This time is building the character we need to be the women and mothers God needs us to be for our kids (present and future). I used to just wallow in self pity and shame over my battle, but Spirit explained to me that at some point, a soldier has to fight and there's no shame in that. In fact with Christ there's only glory! This is my time to step up like David and show this giant named Infertility exactly what this warrior of God is made of. Instead of remaining stagnant, cowering in fear or self pity like I used to, it's time to be the lioness God designed me to be! A lioness does anything and every thing for her cubs, and that includes going to battle for them before they're even here! God bless you for your willingness to share your story with such honesty and you are in my prayers.

    1. I am so touched by your comment. You will be in my prayers as you fight your battle. I've found renewed hope in the Creighton technologies. God bless you in your journey.


I welcome positive, supportive sharing in this community. God bless!