As I mentioned last week, I'm taking the next steps forward in Creighton to determine possible causes of low fertility.
The running theory, based on my charts, is that there may be a low-grade infection in the mix, causing enough irritation to prevent implantation and successful having of the babies.
There's also some indication that maybe a prescription strength daily dose of B6 to promote fertility would not be amiss.
So, that's what's been happening since Wednesday. Well, tomorrow I'm supposed to begin every-other-day blood draws. I've had my blood drawn tons of times and, while it's not my favorite thing, it's one of those things I'm pretty resigned to doing without much fuss. The actual blood drawing part of it doesn't bother me.
However, I have some unusual orders from the doctor's office. I have to get my blood drawn and spun down into the serum portion, then I have to get it back from them, take it home and put it in my deep freeze until all the samples have been collected, at which time, I can drive them the 2 hours back to the doctor's office. (There are only a handful of places in the country that can do the actual testing at the rigor needed for reliable results.)
Now, I have doctor's orders, and I have specific directions, but I HATE standing out or being different in any way, especially as relates to things where others have more authority over the situation (such as a person drawing my blood not thinking it's a good idea to hand it back over to a lay person, even with orders). I don't like causing a fuss and I have to be fairly provoked before that part of my temperament that will run you over like a steam roller emerges.....it's there, but she's just so unpleasant, I'd just as soon you didn't meet her.
Tomorrow the blood draws begin, and today I really should stop by the lab to make sure they understand the instructions and have no questions that need to be settled with the doctor's office before they can proceed.
Knowing that I'm faced with this task that causes me anxiety and is high on my list of unpleasant things today (we cleaned the whole house today and it's not even registering on the list, so to each their own list of freak-outs and unpleasantness, I suppose), I woke up anxious.
The first thoughts in my mind this morning were, two is a good number. We should just stop trying to have kids and life would be so much easier. We wouldn't need to expand the attic into a bedroom this summer, no more doctor's appointments and no fighting for something that the world doesn't even seem to value.....I can just stop fighting. Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't that be fun? To just have two girls and be able to travel, Hubby could work less, it would be great.
Then, in a moment where it felt like time to call the whole thing off, it struck me, this is the voice of evil. This is temptation. This is an easier, less joy-filled, more self-centered way to live......and it sounds so da*n inviting. It doesn't require anything from me. Nothing scary or uncomfortable....no worrying, no wondering, it's an empowerment of self that sounds so tantalizing. I will grab back the control of the uncontrollable by simply doing nothing. As the tempestuous child flings their hands up and leaves, so too will I.
Wouldn't it feel good to let go of this heartbreaking fight? Wouldn't you just like to rest? STOP. My children are worth fighting for, future ones included.
Today is one of those days I'm thankful for small graces, like finding The Spicy Catholic talking about what a blessing Creighton was in identifying some issues as she looks forward to the second trimester with her third. Little things like that can help turn the internal battle that rages on in me.
I just needed to see a small glimpse of possibility today....that someone else fought and won. I am battle weary, just as I near this next rise, unsure if I'll find victory on the other side.
This is the beauty of our online community. A recent community started up on FB called The Catholic Brew. I've found quite a few new bloggers through it, and am reminded of how much we have in each other. Sometimes just a word, a prayer, a shared idea, is enough to help your comrade in arms through the next siege.
That struggle this morning also gave me a sudden thought - there must be something fruitful coming from this Creighton. Something wonderful (baby, marital closeness, increased prayer life) is coming from this, otherwise, why the attack? He's never bothered me much when I've been worried about paint colors and landscape projects. Now, though, now I'm turning my energy to life....and death doesn't seem to care much for it. Something is going to happen, something is happening. I have more firmly dug my feet into prayer, sacrifice and suffering and whether the blessing is visible or not, the lines have been drawn more deeply, yet again. I stand for life.
I know for some, the battle within might be finding the voice of prudence to delay another child. For some, this might not even be the spiritual battleground. In all of the different daily struggles, I'm so thankful for the variety of faith-filled women I share with in the blogosphere. I am so thankful that we are a supportive and uplifting people, whether it's sharing the excitement of a new baby or lifting up someone who's in a bad moment.
Thank you all for joining me in prayer, for your love and support. As I anxiously walk this path (attempting my best to lay down the anxiety), you are remembered in prayer.