Theme Thursday: Black and White

In the midst of all things recently, work has (finally) started to pick back up again.  For one particular project, I needed a head shot for a webinar.  Enter my tripod, the timer on my camera and a kitchen stool against the living room wall.......

Thanks to a link-up party at Clan Donaldson, I did a little editing to make it black and white for this Theme Thursday.

I like this picture because it's such a capture of me, especially if you know the details, like I'm sitting in my living room and my 3 y/o nephew was assisting me while the babies slept.  I'm wearing a sundress with a blazer thrown over the top of it for the picture and right after this was taken, my hair went back up in a ponytail.

That little bit of extra chin I see also tells a story about where I am right now, SB is 1 and I'm working my way through some baby weight (plus a little more) to get back to fertile ground again.  Working mom, from home, with all the juggling it contains....that's what I see.  I see the piles of toys around my feet and hear my nephew saying, "my turn!".  This is what my work life looks like, chaos just around the corners out of frame, cool and collected in frame. 

I could make a list of all the things I'm down about right now, but when I look at this picture, I'm reminded of one of the best things about my life.  I get to stay home with my kids AND do work that I love.  The mix can be chaotic and I might be sending files to a client at 10:30 at night when the house is still, but I'd just be watching something silly on tv, so might as well be doing something productive, right? 

The babies are down for a nap, I haven't showered yet today (because I'm trying to motivate myself to work out by not showering until I've put some miles on the treadmill), I'm sitting on my couch, barefoot and wearing a sundress.  I'm also about to start my morning work, editing some classroom materials before I assist with the training in July.  I have my laptop and in my view are a laundry basket, a Little People barn and through the next door, an unmade (mine) bed.  This is my balance and sometimes the scales tip a little too far in a single direction, but it's all I could ask for.  The toilet will get cleaned when the file is finished, and if my bed doesn't get made, I'll shut the door if someone stops by.

If I could get my toddler to stop getting up from her morning nap to dance and talk to me, I might get something done :)

The $10 Miracle

Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth checking Facebook....maybe it's about a political view you don't support (although I'm known to put my own views on my own timeline for all to see, so welcome to free speech, eh), or a flood of whatever sporting event recently went down.

But sometimes, you find a gem.  Recently, I found a couple new blogs through a friend's newsfeed.  The first was House Unseen. Life Unscripted.  The woman is hilarious, cheerful, productive and unabashedly Catholic.  I started following her blog right around the time she discovered a complication in her pregnancy.  The baby continues to be in danger and reading her blog gives me a chance to share in, and reach out to her family in prayer during this time.  Nothing like the Body of Christ in cyberspace.

Well, after liking her page and following along, I started following Clan Donaldson....because I saw a post about Operation Laundry Room.  Basically, on top of worrying about her baby in utero, this mom of five at home has to also worry about mice drowning in a bucket and empty dirty water from a leaking valve during each load of laundry.  So, on Clan Donaldson's blog, a plan was hatched to raise money to fix the leaky valve (oh, and buy a dryer since House Unseen was operating without one).  I started reading the comments and even watched a hilarious video. 

I watched the number tick up and up on the goal line counter (over $6,000 at posting).  Then I decided I wanted to be a part of the story.  So, I donated $10...not a huge sum, just a couple fancy coffees and less than I would spend bringing a meal to a friend in such a situation around here.  But that's the power of the Body of Christ.  We just read a couple weeks back about the loaves and the fish and now I'm getting to take part and watch Christ multiply all of our little gifts into a big blessing for a family facing a tough road in the coming months.  Such a simple thing, so with a little bit from so many (and perhaps quite a bit from a few), I'm watching a miracle unfold during a time of testing and trial for one family in MI. 

So today, maybe you could be a small part of someone's miracle too.....providing child care, sending a bit of encouragement in a card, making a meal, sharing a smile and your time, God will multiply our efforts and the gift will be more than we thought possible :)

On Hold

Life is an ever-winding road....or maybe an ever-winding rollercoaster.  So far this year's highs and lows have included; potential to adopt SB on the table, potential to adopt SB off the table; preparing to move to a new house, getting back the home inspections and halting the moving process.....yep, no green acre for now.

After we reviewed the home inspections, we decided it was just too much for us to take on fixing.  Major bummer, but maybe it's just the first step to something bigger and better down the road.  In all things, I try to keep in mind God's promise:

Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  Plans to prosper you, not to harm you; to give you hope and a future.

On the up side, I've gotten a lot of organization done on my house in the last couple weeks.  We're also going to do some updates here and there on our current house to make it a little easier to live with for a while longer.  An ever-winding road, an ever-winding rollercoaster.  Sometimes the answer is just not yet, so for now, the great adventure of country living is on hold.

Almost Famous

A look back at a blog that has been sitting in my draft box for a couple months:

At dinner the other night, my s-i-l mentioned she reads my blog and always keeps an extra eye out for mention of herself....because it's kinda like being famous.  Flattering, but I don't think my readership has grown QUITE that much recently :)  She also mentioned she doesn't have a code name......maybe we should open that up for further review.  If we give all my sibs and their spouses and kids a code, I'm going to need a spreadsheet.

When LB was about 7 months old, my brother returned from Iraq as a contractor and his family moved to TX for a job transfer.  Now, I had worked full-time until LB was born and my s-i-l had been a stay-at-home mom for two years previous to LB's arrival, so I had been eagerly waiting for us to be SAHMs together....and then they moved.

LB turns 8 in July, so I've been waiting 7 YEARS for this, but they FINALLY moved home.  My current work as an instructional designer allows me to stay home most of the time, but I do work occasionally.  This week, for example, I'm training Monday/Tuesday - my first training experience.  I have a wonderful neighbor who has helped me with SP in the past, but I found out I was training on Sunday and needed to be there at 7am Monday morning.....kinda last minute!  My s-i-l stepped in to help me with the kids, getting LB to and from school and spending the day with SP (yay for SB's daycare taking her last minute Monday!).

I've had so many friends help me with the kids over the years, but there's something so reassuring leaving your kids with someone who is not only a mom of more experience than myself, but family.  It's like being able to bi-locate.  I have as much (or more) confidence in her ability to handle the situation as I would.  It also reminds me how much SP has grown.  In January, she spent a couple days with my neighbor and she was mostly drinking bottles with a little food.  Yesterday, she'd only had about a bottle between the b-milk and water-apple juice because she was so into the "real" food.  SP is growing up so fast.  I'm so blessed to be able to spend my time with her, and even more blessed to have great friends and family to support me in my career.   As I drove to work today, I kept thinking how blessed I am.  Then my favorite song came on the radio right as I was pulling up to the training facility...."if I had no voice, if I had no tongue, I would dance for You like the rising sun". 

School Days - a look back

So, going through the blog - I found a post that I'd left as a draft and never posted from January 2013....here it is:

The first semester is winding down.  LB has enjoyed herself quite a bit.  As I reflect from the halfway point though, I still miss our family time, our relaxed mornings and watching her learn.  There was something magical about being the one who taught her to read and watching it happen.  Just amazing.

Of course, as many parents and the entire nation has, I've been hearing the details of the tragedy in CT.  Even when I try avoiding news sources, it seems to permeate any means of connection I have to the outside world.  In some ways, I realize we can't ignore such a tragedy, so I send my prayers and trust that God's grace will see them through.  But I just can't listen to it anymore.  Since SP was born, I've noticed my emotions live much closer to the surface.  She cracked some layer of solemnity I didn't realize I'd draped across myself.  I haven't tried suppressing this new-found heightened emotional state because I think of it as part gift.  I tend to cry much more easily, but I find joy more readily as well.

Most of the time, I don't notice the heightened sensitivity, but all of a sudden it will sneak up on me.  The other day, hubby tossed a piece of cereal that SB had been walking around with in her hand into my cereal bowl while I was eating.  Now, I've been known to eat off a plate, or let someone eat off my plate (I had been picking pieces that weren't touching the milk yet out of my bowl to give SB), but I've been trying very hard to be careful about germs lately and was not letting anything cross-contaminate, so the hand-squished piece of cereal chucked into my bowl was really too much for me.  I had to stop and compose myself so I wouldn't cry, then I poured out the 2/3 of my bowl that was left and didn't eat anything else for breakfast......see, more sensitive than usual (although I'll stand by it that that was a gross thing for hubby to do!).

Living in this heightened emotional state can be exhausting, but I think in the long run, it may be good for me.  Learning to live more comfortably in my emotions is good practice.  I tend to get wound up about things more easily too and have had to practice de-escalating my emotions.  It's kind of like all the filters and self-control I've gained since childhood have been stripped away and I'm starting over :P

So, in my greater state of awareness, I'm also missing LB quite a bit.  She's a cool kid and I enjoy being around her.  Maybe not everyone wants to spend their day with a 7 y/o, but I do, she's my 7 y/o.  I want to be there to talk about the random facts she's learning and discuss new ideas.  It's like watching her mind take new steps.  As SP learns to roll, babble and crawl, I feel like I don't want to miss the equivalent milestones in a 2nd grade life.  As I watched the morning news and folded the 4 baskets of laundry I HAD to fold today before they overtook the living room - someone said that teachers really raise our children; they spend all day with them, caring for them and teaching them.  I love LB's teacher and school is the right choice for so many families, but that statement is stuck in my craw.  If LB goes to school next year, it'll be because I've reconciled that thought....because in the end, I think it's right.  Now that LB is in school, I spend about 5 hours awake in the same house as her.  This includes the time I'm making dinner, she's doing homework, and we're both getting ready for the day or bed.  Her teacher spends 6-7 hours with her, focused on the class the whole time. 

*an update to this - we've decided home IS best for next year.  With exceptional gratitude to her wonderful 2nd grade teacher, I can't wait to take that role back on for 3rd grade :)

We're Done Here - when your 10 month old breaks up with you

I've nursed both of my bio-babies.  LB nursed for 17 months without a hiccup (in fact, she was an excessive nurser).  So, when SP was born, it was pretty natural and the whole process came back to me easily.  In fact, it was easier than the first time around because there were some things about nursing that have a learning curve, like good latch and positioning. 

It never dawned on me that SP would not nurse to the 1 year mark and beyond.  Two years old is kind of my mental cut-off point, although I've never had a 2 y/o melting down and just needing a nurse/cuddle, so I can't really say if I would've called it quits before or after the 2 year mark.  I certainly wouldn't have pictured calling it quits at 10 months.  But babies are these funny creatures.  They have a mind of their own.  You know that free will God gives us?  Sometimes it's so annoying that it's there at birth....wouldn't it be more reasonable if it kicked in after potty training? 

SP was never the constant contented nurser that LB was and I struggled a lot more with my milk supply.  No matter how often I nursed, I just couldn't produce enough milk to have anything "left over".  SP is a voracious eater and was hard to content.  We started introducing food early, around 5 months, with rice cereal and she mellowed out a lot.  By 8 months, she was eating more than the 18 m/o.  My sister-in-law calls her the "little truck driver".....although she can eat enough that the comparison might offend some truck drivers. 

I didn't think my little eater would give up on any form of food.  Until the week before she turned 10 months.  She had a couple days where she bit me a lot.  My response to biting is pretty mild....I gasp a little and try to keep nursing. However, I may have been given the world's most sensitive children, because both the girls have BAWLED at my gasps.  After a couple days of hard teething and biting me during nursing, SP would simply cry every time I tried to get her to nurse.  We thought maybe it was a phase we could outlast.......in addition to sensitive, I might also have the most stubborn children (although I could probably find something on YouTube to prove me wrong on both counts, I'm sure).

SP refused to nurse.  Multiple attempts, multiple times a day for two weeks resulted in nothing but tears.  However, she would happily chug a bottle of formula, juice or breastmilk, didn't seem to matter to her.  I pumped for two excruciating weeks.  I'm not one of those women who can keep a milk supply going by pumping, so I started drying up pretty fast.

In an effort to avoid this, I turned to supplements.  I found a recipe for lactation cookies.  Since my oldest has a peanut allergy, I don't cook with peanuts, so I substituted the peanut butter for chocolate nutella spread, added raisins and applesauce instead of butter/oil.  This helped to sustain my milk supply longer than I think it would have gone otherwise, but SP still refused to nurse.

Lactation cookies - made as bar cookies, because I simply do not have the patience for rolling cookies.

I had an aha moment when I started to really evaluate my reasons for pumping and trying to force the nursing to last longer when I was talking to a friend.  She mentioned that with a tendency towards PCOS symptoms, it really is just harder to make milk.  This got the wheels churning in my head and it made me start thinking about my motives.  When I thought about how long I would keep trying, the thought kept occurring to me that part of my motivation was so that I could be that super-mom that was so hard-core she was able to keep a milk supply going through ALL odds a crazy long time. 

In other words, pride.  I was torturing myself and SP about trying to go back to nursing out of pride.  I know that breastmilk is best, obviously, but when I really examined my motives, I wasn't concerned for her health.  She got 10 months of high-quality milk and SB survived just fine on a year of formula, as have countless other babies for whom breastmilk was not an option for a variety of reasons.  I knew that with her willingness to take a bottle, formula wasn't my preferred situation, but she would still be a thriving little girl.

I had to step off the crazy train and stop the madness.  After a talk with my husband, I stopped pumping and bought SP some formula (I forgot how expensive that stuff is!)  We have about 6 more weeks until her first birthday when we'll be switching to milk and a big chunk of me still laments not being able to get her straight from breastmilk to all table food.  But, for me, nursing is difficult on my health.  I can't diet AT ALL or my milk will dry up.  Exercise is required constantly to maintain my weight and nursing makes my body cling to every calorie I eat, rather than shed weight like I just won the weight-lottery.  So, except for the first few weeks, I don't lose any weight when I'm nursing. 

I still weigh about 9 lbs more than pre-pregnancy (and about 50lbs more above my goal weight), so SP's refusal to nurse was really an early gift.  I miss the nursing, I miss that baby snuggle time, but it is a gift that I now have the time to focus on my health....and hopefully prepare my body for the next baby.  Hubby - don't read the parentheses - (also, not nursing is starting to give me the energy and desire for another baby) I'll know from the thump on the floor when you pass out that you read the parentheses anyway...

So for now, I'm trying to work out lots, limit my calorie intake and get projects done around the house.  Ripping out the kitchen floor would count as working out, right? 

In the last week since I've stopped pumping, I've lost about 4 lbs (I lost a couple in the two weeks I was pumping as well).  I definitely have the "mummy tummy" still, but there's nothing like a difficult break-up to make you lose weight!

Easter Greetings

I'm finally getting around to our Easter pictures.  It's not yet Pentecost, so I say - WINNING! 

Our Easter was pretty hectic this year, in the best possible way.  We had family in town on both my side and hubby's.  So while there was lots of running around, we got to see lots of family.  Here are a couple snapshots from our fun:

LB was very fashionable in her navy-esqe look, complete with peblum and color pop tights

Hubby's favorite present SP got for Easter was this hat - he loved it so much, he vetoed the matching sailor hat to this outfit

Ready for the hunt

Looking for the egg...

Gotcha!

She's already digging for candy

LB mid-song

Even the statues were helping with the hunt at my parents'

Too obvious?

The wait begins

I feel like a conspiracy is happening here

SP searching, complete with her sailor hat

Bunny ears help you search, obviously!

We had a great and exhausting time.  I need to find some ways to help keep this Easter spirit alive through the season.  LB is receiving her First Communion in 2 weeks, and I'm starting to panic a little that I don't have my act together....pretty sure I've probably forgotten at least a couple invitations.

It's things like party planning where I really notice how things change when you have two babies in the house!  Maybe when SP is 2, I'll start to be an organized planner again :)