Remember back when I was having good days? Right now, it seems like a lot more of stupid things making me cry. This week has been crushingly difficult. There's really nothing I can point to as the cause....you know, other than that whole losing a kid thing. Maybe it's the visit increase. We went from Wednesday - Saturday with bio-parent to Wednesday - Monday with bio-parent. So now, before she's gone for good, I have just a few more Tuesdays with her.
I don't get to see her in her Halloween costume this year, in fact, the visit change came with so little warning, I didn't have time to take her to the park for pictures like I've done every year. I cried while putting her costume in her visit backpack. I cried when we had to reschedule her dentist appointment...and I realized I just don't have enough time with her to be the one who reschedules. I'm ignoring thoughts of Thanksgiving and Christmas right now.
I'm an angry mess right now. Sunday night, as I tried to drift off to sleep, I just had a moment where I prayed:
Why? Why so much pain? Why can't it be over yet? I am at my end. This is as far as I can walk. I have nothing left to give. I am broken, worn out, overrun. There is nothing left in me. You're going to have to carry me the rest of the way, or here I shall stay. Whatever you're calling us to through and after this, maybe it could be not so heart-breaking. I'm done, I'm done, I'm done.
Then I cried myself to sleep. I slept the whole night through without dreams, until just as I was waking. There were children everywhere. They were surrounding me. I felt overwhelmed. Then I found a baby boy in a car. He'd been left in there, no diaper, his legs covered with scrapes and scabs...he'd obviously been abused. I felt every protective instinct inside of me spring into action. This would never happen to him again, I would make sure.
I awoke, and I saw how very little my pain weighs next to the balance of what we've given Sweet Baby. This is still a tremendous loss. Right now, every day feels like an agony and adding on a single extra thing to my schedule feels overwhelming. But really, how could I not have protected and guarded her these last 2 1/2 years?
So maybe that's why. She needed us. It doesn't make the pain of losing her less, but it makes it more bearable.
I wish I just had fun pictures of the kids in their Halloween costumes to post today, but that's not where we're at in our lives right now.
A few months ago, I signed up for a retreat this Saturday. If folding clothes and picking up toys turn into sob-fests, I'm thinking maybe I should pack a box of tissues for a day of introspection!
Your prayers are so appreciated. I'm certain it is only by grace I'm able to function at the 60-70% I seem to be capable of these days. Thank you for sharing in our burden as we walk this road. Thank you for hugs, smiles, silly things that make me laugh, and just being a part of our lives right now. Especially because I know I'm really not that likeable right now. So, thank you.