Linking up with Conversion Diary for another dose of 7 Quick Takes:
{1} I need a banana suit. Jen is giving one lucky blogger one:
{2} I'm loving Something Other Than God! I'm about halfway through it, and I'm already trying to figure out what the non-awkward way of giving it to family and friends who are questioning the faith.....IS there a non-awkward way? Lemme know if you think of it, because I'm seriously considering a bulk order.
That gift card would buy me 2 more copies of Something Other Than God - just saying.
{3} Speaking of SOTG - I was a little irritated to wait a couple days past the release to get my pre-order, but after hearing how early Micaela pre-ordered and that she still didn't have it, I feel like I should maybe be binge reading my copy. But, it's so good, I want to read it thoughtfully. I'm finding particular pieces staying with me as I go about my day, and I'm enjoying mulling them over.
Although I am hiding out a bit more to get some reading in.
Don't rat me out - k?
{4} Have you ever had one of those moments when you've cringed about pushing the "Publish" button? Fumbling Towards Grace had one of those moments that she shared with us, and I'm so grateful she did. It was beautifully written and reminded me of where I fit into a more peaceful, more loving world - because I do, we all do.
{5} Then I hit "Publish" myself on something that seems to have hit a few people square in the heart. No greater honor as a blogger than sharing something that feels a little scary and difficult and finding that God used those words to speak to someone's heart. A few of my fellow bloggers shared the post, and it's now gone my version of viral - with nearly 10x the views as an average post. So incredibly humbled that I was used as an instrument to say something that mattered to so many.
{6} Do you know Kelly? She has one of the best senses of humor ever. Go dig around on her space, and start with the really strange costume. Maybe she needs the banana suit more....
{7} And now, are you ready to be totally annoyed at yourself for having succumbed to curiosity and listened to this? Do it! Click on it! My girls and I rock out to this in the car on our satellite radio. While you watch it, picture a 30-something mom and two girls dancing at the stoplight next to you.
*Note* If shaking gummy bear butts offend your sensibilities, avert your eyes at 1:02 and 2:18....or just listen while you surf other things.
You're welcome for the brain rot! Have a wonderful weekend - special prayers for all those making a First Holy Communion this weekend, and all the mamas frantically preparing for such festivities!
I have been on both sides of the fertility fence. Enough to know that evil put the fence there. There shouldn't be a fence, but our wounded broken hearts create a division.
I have been struggling with infertility for seven years. Throughout those years, I have also struggled in my friendships with friends of normal and high fertility.
It took me six years to have SP. Six. Years. During that time, I struggled with finding joy in the pregnancies of others.
There is no adequate description for the amount of sorrow, suffering and trial that goes into that indefinite wait. I didn't have a handbook that said it would end after six years. Every day I woke up, faced with that insurmountable burden, made just bearable by having one child, and I would try to dig out of my self-pity long enough to thank God for her, and pray for those women going through primary infertility.
Something happened though, when I was pregnant with SP that changed my heart. Someone stopped speaking to me while I was pregnant because she was suffering with infertility. I had suddenly jumped the fence. I was on the opposing team now, and I felt hurt and abandoned. I knew in my heart that it really and truly wasn't about me. Still, after SIX YEARS of waiting, how could there not be an ounce of joy for my miracle?
The real kicker was, I'd done that myself. I'd distanced myself from expectant mothers when I was struggling with infertility. In many ways, I felt abandoned by both camps on the fertility front.
I have two living children. I'm at the "two and through" number for most of the world. But that doesn't mean it's any easier to wait on that next baby. The longing increases with each day, and despondency and doubt have a chance to take root in those dark moments. Secondary infertility counts too.
It also gives me a glimpse at both sides of this struggle. Enough of a look to know we have to kick the damn fence down. Some convictions are worth swearing about.
To the women weighed down by the oppressive darkness that is infertility, I ask you to do a few things.
First, recognize that in our fallen nature, jealousy and anger are natural feelings. Do not beat yourself up over it, you've had enough pain without torturing yourself some more. Be kind to yourself first. If you need to hide a newsfeed or unfollow a blog so that you can make it through the day, do it. Just don't stay gone for good.
That means the second thing you need to do is fight for joy. Find one thing, just one thing that brings joy into your life and do it. You've likely been a pin cushion and feel more like a medical experiment than a human at this point. Do something that makes you smile and gets you up on your feet. I write here. Sharing my sorrow and joy in this way brings me peace. Scheduling one outing/field trip/playdate a week with my girls also helps.
Find a fitness class, a pottery class, a poetry reading, anything that taps into a different part of you than your procreative side. It's so easy to be wrapped up in your worth as it relates to your ability/inability to procreate when you're TTC. Find something that has nothing to do with that. Do it just because you can. It'll help build up those pieces of you that are shattered and disappointed in your own body.
Find someone who has walked the path of infertility as well. This might be in person or on a blog. It is so healing and helpful to know that this is not just your struggle. So many women have stood where you stand. They can be that light, showing you that slowly your joy will return. That pang may remain in your heart, but someday you'll delight in all manner of things again.
Once you have found ways to add joy back into your life, dip your toes back into those friendships that have been strained. The greatest success I had was in finding ways to be of service to those with large families. Is someone having a baby soon? Make them a meal, knit a blanket, drop off a few groceries, anything to help. Do it in small pieces that you can handle. Pray for them. Trust me, they're praying for you too.
Finally, and what I've found the most success with, fake it til you make it. Seriously. Sometimes actions need to proceed the feelings you'd like to have accompany them. Smile and congratulate that mother having her xth child. Delight in her gift, and remember, there is no finite supply of children. Her child does nothing to affect your likelihood. That little one isn't one out of your pile, even if you'd be more than willing to take them home, thank you very much!
Be a friend. Be a helper. Be you. What has most effectively taken the sting out of other mother's large broods has been getting to know those women. It has taken me from seeing their newest addition as a troubling reminder of my lacking to a reminder of God's promise. He so wants to bless us. If we're busy looking for a blessing that remains unfulfilled, we'll miss the ones raining out all over us. Those large families have been my blessing, and the secret to helping to heal my heart in infertility. Holding their babies still makes me long for more of my own, but it's been the best gift.
I know there is so much heartache accompanying infertility. To be missing something so central to womanhood is excruciating. But please, please, come back. We need to make just as many steps towards removing that dividing line. You have so much to offer, and your friendship is a blessing. Let those mamas of many in. Let them pray for you. Let them be your comfort. Let their babies be a gift that reminds you that God is so good. So, so good. As hard as it can be some days, those bonds will actually be what bring you back to life. Celebrate life. God has a beautiful plan for us, and we will not let evil steal our joy, even in the midst of sorrow.
To the women who want to support us in our struggles:
Please don't complain about your children to us. We love you, we know you need to vent, please find someone who is equally yoked for that vent session. We want to be a part of your life, we do. We want to know how you are, and we want you to share your day with us, but sometimes that complaining comes off like ungratefulness for something we would die for. It's not you, it's us. We love you so much and know that there can be just as much "hardness" in being overwhelmed, but we're just a little fragile. Be kind. That being said, that hilarious story about your toddler's crazy antics, share away!
Don't ever offer us a child in jest. Seriously. I'll take them. I'll take them all. We know that there's probably a child or two who can just hit that particular nerve of yours and you're ready to send them away with the circus, but we can't truly empathize with that sentiment.
I was once told it's better to have too few children than be overwhelmed by too many. That remains one of the most hurtful things someone ever said to me during my greatest struggles with infertility. I went through six years of trying to get pregnant and then discovered I was expecting when we had a four week old foster daughter. I raised a drug-exposed infant who needed to be held constantly while I was pregnant. SB and SP were 10 months apart. I had SB until December of last year, so I spent 18 months with kids closer than one year, one of whom was special needs. I know what overwhelmed feels like. It's better. So much better.
Be joyful in your vocation. Celebrate your new arrivals. If we can't handle it at that particular stage in our journey, we'll pull back. Please don't take it personally. We are loving you from afar and do hereby solemnly swear to plug back in as we're able. Be that joyful voice that motherhood is beautiful and that we're struggling towards something that is worth the struggle. Don't minimize the gift, we already know it's amazing, or we wouldn't be subjecting ourselves to medical interventions and/or adoption home studies.
In all things, know that we're trying to love you and your family as best we can. And we'll trust you to do the same.
There's only sides if we refuse to budge from our particular angle. Evil knows we're stronger together. Let's do more to love and celebrate each other.
This filter kit at Amazon: (this link will take you there, but I'm not an affiliate, so go back to one of your favorite bloggers and click their affiliate link and search canon rebel t3 filter)
It's been a while since I've linked up with the wonderful Jessica over at HousewifeSpice for an installment of What We're Reading Wednesday.
Mostly because I haven't been reading....or what I have been reading has been work documents, and there's just no amusement for the masses in me sharing about a new employee process...plus, confidentiality of the clients, and all.
With working more, it also seems to be stretching my time with the girls. I've been working mostly during afternoon nap time, while LB does school work or chores. Well, LB came home from a library trip with Hubby this week with a favorite book of ours. She suggested we read it together. Mostly, she's been reading it to me, which is great for her read-a-loud practice. It's also been a nice way to spend a little more quality time together while I've been working more.
We've read some of the books before, it's been a while, so LB suggested we start back at Book 1. So, we're re-reading Annie's Adventures.
The story is about a set of eight sisters (octuplets) who find themselves mysteriously alone. Their parents vanish and the girls discover mysterious notes about special gifts and talents they possess, and that only by unlocking them can they discover what has happened to their parents.
Each girl gets her own book dedicated to her discovery of powers and it goes in order of birth (although they're each only separated by one minute). Each girl also has her own cat, and the house includes quirks, such as a cleaning robot and a hair cutting machine.
We love these books. I'm so glad that LB brought these books home from the library. We only got through #6 last time, and I'm looking forward to discovering what actually happened to their parents. I have no perceived dignity that makes it hard for me to admit that I'm eagerly awaiting the answer, probably at least as much as LB.
Stop by Jessica's for more reads you should check out.
Linking up with this week's Answer Me This over at Catholic All Year!
1. Do you hate happy clappy church music?
No. I hate church music that becomes a performance over being a form of worship. That can be any kind of music. If you chant with a prideful heart, seeking recognition over praising our Maker, it's no better than the happiest, clappiest of music sung as a performance.
I love all forms of music in Mass (maybe love is too strong a word, I have a hard time with older hymns sung in a pitch only those of us with classical training can reach - take it down three steps choir director!!!), but I hate clapping for a musician at Mass. If you're clapping for the musician, you lost focus on who we were all praising together in that moment. We are praising the Maker of all music, not the musician, when we're in Mass.
If you've ever had a hard time nailing down why you prefer some music over others in different churches, perhaps it's been the presentation/attitude with which the music was offered as part of the Mass. It is first an offering, a praise, a way to give thanks.
Praise God that we have wonderful, talented people offering their gifts for all of our benefit at Mass, but I don't find it any more appropriate to clap for the musicians than I do to clap for the lectors, Eucharistic ministers, ushers, or even the priest. I've been one of those musicians many, many, many times in my 3+ decades, and I've been uncomfortable every time someone clapped because of something I did at Mass. I know I can sing an Ave Maria that'll make you cry. But, you're not crying because of my voice, you're crying because of the beautiful gift I am sharing that brings you a moment closer to God.
Sing joyfully to the Lord - in chant, in old hymns, out of those Glory and Praise books I grew up with, with newer praise and worship songs. Sing to Him. Sing for Him. Stop worrying about what you're singing and start rejoicing in whoyou're singing for. Also, I don't want to hear it that you think you sound like that warbling pelican in Little Mermaid, open your voice and do it. Give back to God what He gave to you. If it's not pleasing to your ears, it's still pleasing to His heart.
*steps off soapbox*
If you're looking for inspirational, beautiful music to listen to on your way about town, I heard this musician at the Behold Conference 2014 and was so inspired by her gift.
2. What is your priority? Eating or sleeping?
Sleeping. Sleeping is my favorite. My babies start sleeping at night between 6-8 months. I don't sleep well in pregnancy and life stresses tend to give me insomnia, so by the time I've found out I'm pregnant and then gotten the baby to sleeping through, it's usually about a year and a half between full nights. If there's any silver lining to infertility, it's that I'm sleeping all night these days.
3. What type of milk do you drink in your house?
Whole milk. I read something, somewhere that talked about the fat solubility of certain hormones, and that removing them basically unbalances the hormones in what we're eating when we go for low-fat/fat-free options. I don't know where I saw the study, or even the scientific validity, but the premise stuck with me. We should be eating our food the way it comes.
Even if there wasn't research suggesting low-fat milk isn't the way to go, it makes sense to me to eat food as close to its original form as possible. We eat butter, not margarine; whole milk, not skim milk; home baked goods over pre-packaged. We are by no means the ideal health foodies, but whole milk is part of my effort to make our food choices as natural as possible.
4. What is a book that changed your perspective on something?
Not precisely a book - shorter in form and about ten times harder than a normal book to unpack the knowledge - Mulieris Dignatatum changed my life and my marriage.
I read it with a group of women as part of an Endow study group. Which is probably the only way I really could have gotten so much out of such rich and complex materials.
Mulieris Dignatatum is a letter from St. John Paul II (first time I've said that!!). It's in on the nature and dignity of women. It gave me a new understanding and appreciation for who am I and who I was created to be as part of God's design.
I have a new understanding for myself as gift to my husband and children. For the beauty and unique genius of woman. Mulieris Dignatatum has made me a better wife. It has given me an appreciation for the strength that it takes to truly be what I'm called to be as a unique and beautiful creation.
Even if you don't follow the study from Endow, get together a group of holy women and read and discuss this together. It's beautiful.
5. Who is your favorite saint?
This is kind of like picking a favorite sibling....or exactly like picking a favorite sibling in the "brothers and sisters in Christ" perspective. St. John Paul II is especially beloved. His feast day is October 22nd, and is the due date of our little saint.
When I was in college, I went to Rome for the Jubilee with a college group/pilgrimage. Our group was recognized by name and received a special blessing from him.
Mother Teresa is another especially beloved of mine. Her dark night of the soul lasting decades, through which she still an inspirational voice of peace, life, and love. She so vividly lived out God's love, she was invited into circles and beloved by groups of people who wouldn't give a typical Catholic the time of day.
That's amazing. That's my goal. I want to so vividly radiate the love of Christ into all those around me that they are drawn into seeking that joy and love in Him too. I want to be a face of joy in the midst of hard times. That I so markedly fall short so many times is a reason I look to the life of Mother Teresa. It is possible. Mother Teresa is a reminder to get up and do it all again today, even if it's the same thing I did yesterday and I feel no closer to achievement. That lifetime of love, doing the same things over and over again, that adds up. Do it with joy and you can be a radiant light of love with others to find their way home.
6. Introvert or extrovert?
Introvert. My exact personality trait list is INFJ. Here's a section from the Portrait of an INFJ.
The Protector
As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you
take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where
you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit
with your personal value system.
INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic
and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities.
Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type,
making it the most rare of all the types.
INFJs place great importance on having things orderly and systematic in
their outer world. On the other hand, INFJs operate within
themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They
know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without
detailed knowledge of the subject at hand.
Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith
into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between
the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized
as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in
an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.
Really, my personality type isn't an excuse, I need to clean this up!
God is so good. So. Good. After 7....that's right SEVEN years, I have an answer.
There is a problem. It's not just in my head, it's not just stress, I don't just need to relax and it'll happen.
Last month, I did a complete hormone profile by having my blood drawn every other day for a couple weeks. Turns out, I have fantastic estrogen. Like, twinsies levels of estrogen. So, why am I not up to my ears in babies?
MY PROGESTERONE!
My levels are about a third of what they should be. There's just not anything going on there. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. That hormone that supports pregnancy? Not there. That hormone that protects against risk of breast cancer? Not there. That hormone oh-so-necessary for normal, healthy weight loss? Not there! That hormone that helps prevent ectopics? NOT THERE!
I got off the phone and cried tears of joy. I'm going to start injections timed to my cycle to correct my hormones.
That sliver of hope I had left in my soul just experienced a dramatic increase. The stone has been rolled away. I am an Easter person and Hallelujah is my song!
There are no guarantees, that's not the way life works. But it looks good. It looks really good. My Lent is ending and Easter is coming.
Through all the dark moments of infertility, God has been good. Through all the heartache and pain over losing SB, God has been good. In this moment, I am overwhelmed by the blessing of knowing. I am overwhelmed by the joy at the prospect of this happening again:
My hope has been renewed. I am profoundly grateful for the modern medicine that can find these answers. I am profoundly grateful to a friend who had the courage to hand me a book that started me on a journey towards learning Creighton and seeking out a NaPro doctor. I am also grateful said friend (who has a background in nursing) has also agreed to help me figure out giving myself the shot if I can't figure it out (the doctor said it should be intuitive, but we shall see).
Happy Easter. He has risen. Alleluia. Alleluia. He has risen.
As I begin routine injections, my prayers will remain, as always, with those who are expecting, those who are struggling with infertility, and those who are overwhelmed by the gift of their fertility. May God bless you this Easter season.
3. Do you prefer to celebrate holidays at your own house or at someone else's house?
I would love to have a house big enough to host....perhaps in a few years. But for now, someone else's house. We celebrated with family at my brother's house.
4. What is your favorite kind of candy?
All the Sour Patch Kids. I. Need. Them. All.
5. Do you like video games?
I don't play them, but I like them from the perspective that Hubby and LB get in good quality daddy-daughter time over the PS3 :)
6. Do you speak another language?
I can understand bits and pieces of French, Spanish, and German, but alas, to my great chagrin, I am not fluent in any of them.
Now go over to Kendra's and check out everyone else's posts! And check it out, I'm tagged for next week - woot! woot!
