One side effect of the medication I take to stabilize my hormones is the occasional very vivid dream. The last few nights, it's been much more than usual. Vivid dream after vivid dream.
There was only one last night, though. I dreamed I saw Sweet Baby again. She was taller. I almost didn't recognize her. When she saw me, she yelled, "Mama!" and came running to me.
As I woke, I was sad to leave her behind, grateful for the gift of seeing her in any way, and sad all over again at the loss of her.
I woke with questions - Is it ever going to be okay? Will it ever not hurt?
I don't know. I think maybe a mother's heart grieves the loss of a child for a lifetime.
This Saturday, June 27th marked one year from the last time I saw her, held her, kissed her little forehead.
A lifetime and a blink of an eye.
God only knows if we'll see her again.
But in my mind, I watch her grow and carry her with me everyday.