Tuesday, January 27, 2015

When Gratitude Comes Hard

Last week, I was talking about how hard waiting is.  It is hard.  So hard.

Then, I went into a full out Anne of Green Gables depths of despair day on Friday.  Complete with self-pity, marathon knitting and TV watching, and the bare minimum of household chores.  I didn't shower, the kids and I ate junk food, and I generally moped all day.

Knitting many many washcloths 

Knitting many many Outlander cowls

A day of pajamas and weird selfies

When Hubby left for work, I was tearfully telling him we were millimeters away from getting a puppy.  I was still mopey at dinner, but Hubby sweetly brought the girls and I pizza.

But, the trick for me is not letting it go to the second day.  Saturday morning, I got up and went to the gym and ran some errands.  I got more done before 10am than I had the entire previous day.  I also killed it at the gym.  I took all the anger/frustration/sadness of this long limbo out on that workout. 

A PR on the 2,000 meter row

I didn't know how much anger I had until it came rushing out.  It was a bit of a revelation.  Physically spent, anger spent, I returned home to get back to life.  Because it's so easy to miss out of life when you're busy looking at what you want instead of what you have.

Then, I went to Mass on Sunday and one line in the homily stuck with me: Being a saint is about letting go of what you want and trusting that God has something better.  The real zinger is the homilist was my dad the deacon (see Dad, I was listening!) :)

I've been thinking about that.  Thinking about what I have and what I want.  What I've wanted for many many years.

I've wanted children close together in age, I thought by now I'd have about five, at least.  I don't.  LB will never have a sibling close in age.  I hope that maybe someday if she's called to marriage, she'll have a sister-in-law who becomes a best friend, like my SIL who is an only child is my best friend. 

Maybe SP will still have a sibling close-ish...we've passed the "close" mark with her third birthday four months away and no sibling on the horizon. 

But here's the deal, here's the point of everything, in order to be a saint, I need to let go and let God.  Cliches become cliches for a reason. 

This week, I'm trying to be more aware of the blessings around me.  I am trying to cultivate a spirit of gratitude.  I am trying to stop looking at what I don't have and look around me.  Take the blinders off and look at this beautiful life I have.

Playing at the gym

Taking in a movie

Goofing around at the museum

This morning :)

I'm taking gratitude one morning at a time. 

8 comments:

  1. Cliches are cliches for a reason... I love that line. It's so true. I know you want more children, and I hope that is in God's plan for you. But if you are looking for something extra to be grateful for, be grateful (on my behalf) for all the pink in your house! I envy you your daughters!

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    1. Prayers for you! I hope you have the pink someday, it really is fun. Although when I see my nephews with my sister, I think there is something to that "mama's boy" saying

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  2. Cute cowls. Nice job at the gym. Sometimes we need to take a day. What a great message from the homily. I feel like I need a day, mostly because i cant keep up with life....too busy, and Im not focusing enough on the Lord.

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    1. My challenge is in not adding more when I'm in a place of balance. I ALWAYS try to throw one more thing in the mix (see the puppy plea!).

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  3. God love you, Annie. I know what you mean about anger. I'm really good at anger. Peace, not so much. Peace for you, peace for me. Prayer exchange?

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    1. Absolutely. Prayers for you and yours. The gym was certain cathartic that day.

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  4. As usual Annie beautifully written! The anger and trust ugh! So huge! Praying every day for you!

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