When Gratitude Comes Hard

Last week, I was talking about how hard waiting is.  It is hard.  So hard.

Then, I went into a full out Anne of Green Gables depths of despair day on Friday.  Complete with self-pity, marathon knitting and TV watching, and the bare minimum of household chores.  I didn't shower, the kids and I ate junk food, and I generally moped all day.

Knitting many many washcloths 

Knitting many many Outlander cowls

A day of pajamas and weird selfies

When Hubby left for work, I was tearfully telling him we were millimeters away from getting a puppy.  I was still mopey at dinner, but Hubby sweetly brought the girls and I pizza.

But, the trick for me is not letting it go to the second day.  Saturday morning, I got up and went to the gym and ran some errands.  I got more done before 10am than I had the entire previous day.  I also killed it at the gym.  I took all the anger/frustration/sadness of this long limbo out on that workout. 

A PR on the 2,000 meter row

I didn't know how much anger I had until it came rushing out.  It was a bit of a revelation.  Physically spent, anger spent, I returned home to get back to life.  Because it's so easy to miss out of life when you're busy looking at what you want instead of what you have.

Then, I went to Mass on Sunday and one line in the homily stuck with me: Being a saint is about letting go of what you want and trusting that God has something better.  The real zinger is the homilist was my dad the deacon (see Dad, I was listening!) :)

I've been thinking about that.  Thinking about what I have and what I want.  What I've wanted for many many years.

I've wanted children close together in age, I thought by now I'd have about five, at least.  I don't.  LB will never have a sibling close in age.  I hope that maybe someday if she's called to marriage, she'll have a sister-in-law who becomes a best friend, like my SIL who is an only child is my best friend. 

Maybe SP will still have a sibling close-ish...we've passed the "close" mark with her third birthday four months away and no sibling on the horizon. 

But here's the deal, here's the point of everything, in order to be a saint, I need to let go and let God.  Cliches become cliches for a reason. 

This week, I'm trying to be more aware of the blessings around me.  I am trying to cultivate a spirit of gratitude.  I am trying to stop looking at what I don't have and look around me.  Take the blinders off and look at this beautiful life I have.

Playing at the gym

Taking in a movie

Goofing around at the museum

This morning :)

I'm taking gratitude one morning at a time.