Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Always Waiting

It's a truth universally recognized by women of low fertility who are trying to conceive that the week before you can know if this is THE month always takes longer than the previous weeks in a cycle. 

Those last few days, when a propensity to cry could be PMS or an early sign of pregnancy. When hunger could be psychological from that New Year's Resolution Diet, or the beginnings of feeding two. 

It's a maddening time. One I face with everything ranging from indifference to insanity every month. Some months the hopes are just higher, and I fall a little further when the predictable happens. 

It seems to be a prolific time among my friends.  I'm starting to lose count on how many children homeschool acquaintances have now.  I'm starting to see others filling the gap between their kids SP's age and new ones already here or on the way. 

In all that wealth, it's so easy to focus on my lack. To see only what I'm missing. 

To feel it keenly every month. 

This strikes me as a kind of purgatory. There's pain and longing, with no clear idea of how much longing, how much pain must be endured.  

And yet, I have faith it will be eased again someday, in part because I know that adoption is an option for us, but mostly because I am putting all my eggs in God's basket and trusting. Painfully, imperfectly, trusting. 

Because even when my days of children are over, I will have been open. I will have trusted. 

Until it's over, I will wait. Every month I will wait and hope. I will cry many more tears, endure many more injections to treat my hormone imbalances, but today there's hope for another day, another child. 

To remind me of why I keep shooting those shots, I need only look around my home :)



14 comments:

  1. Amen sister .... CD 20 here and it's usually now or within 2-3 days that I show signs, so I'm a wreck and second guessing everything!

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    1. Everything could be a sign! Maddening!

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  2. Oh, I hear you. Praying for you that you'll have something positive to celebrate soon and that you will find some sort of peace. So happy that adoption is an option for you. We have two sons we adopted from China, the greatest blessings of our lives. Prayers for you!

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    1. Thanks so much. Some months are harder than others.

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  3. Hugs. I know the crazy. I will offer up my own brand for you this week. And many many prayers for a YES one day soon.

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    1. Thank you Micaela! We'll all have a big fat party when that day comes :)

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  4. I can so relate to this post. Not just with wanting a baby (althought that's one thing) but just with everything going on and waiting for life to be normal. And the rollar coaster of hope and disappointment is really, really, really, really, really hard,.

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  5. Having gotten pregnant so easily the first two times (so easily that it's nearly an embarrassment of riches looking back), this secondary infertility (two miscarriages in a three month span) has been jarring. The range of emotions is exhausting. Gratitude, for the children I DO have. Longing, for the children I want(ed). Sadness, for the losses I endured. Fear, that I will never bear any more children. Hope, that God holds a joyful future for me, regardless of the status of my womb.
    My thoughts are with you as you continue trying.

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    1. I just got your letter. Prayers for you, friend!

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  6. Love that "putting all your eggs in Gods basket!" Awesome. Sooooooo hard to watch friends grow their families, while were still waiting.

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  7. SO glad I came across this post (from the Sheenazing list, btw). This is "the" week for me, and I'm trying my darndest not to make "something" out of "nothing." Before I got some issues figured out, I didn't have regular cycles, so I didn't experience this anticipation/letdown, like I do now. Sometimes I wish I hadn't figured it out...just to save the heartache. So anyway...Thank you for letting us know we're not the only ones.

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  8. Oh goodness. This post. Amen. I've been trying for two years for another baby, with two miscarriages along the way. That last week of waiting every month is so, so hard and so long! You described it perfectly.

    I'm so glad I discovered your blog today. I'm trying to visit the blogs of some of the other ladies who will be attending the CWBN conference in South Bend. I hope I'll get to meet you there!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! Looking forward to meeting everyone in March :)

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