Saturday, January 2, 2016

Hello, Again, My Friend

Sometimes the deep moments happen in the quiet.

It's been hard to talk about the deep moments lately.  December 20th marked two years without Sweet Baby

In mid-November, I listened to an interview with Kathryn Whitaker (Team Whitaker).  She discussed the importance of caring for her marriage in the midst of the stresses of illness with her youngest.

It struck me like a thunderbolt what December 20th means to my marriage.  It's two years of holding on through loss, grief, and depression.  It's two years of not losing each other while our world crumbled.  Two years where we didn't let go.

So, I planned a trip and we spent two days alone together, because we made it through a crucible together, and that deserves a room with a fireplace and all the fanciness.

It was two days much needed and well spent.

The last month has also been a step forward in hormonal health.  After my latest consult, the doctor offered me the option to begin taking low dose naltrexone.  Two weeks of research and discussion with others who have taken it, and I decided with some trepidation to begin the medication.

The side effects include fatigue and nausea, so it's been all the fun of the first trimester, without any of the baby-at-the-end benefits.  The LDN boosts my body's production of beta endorphins, meaning my stomach has been taking a hit, but at least I'm happy about it :P

To mitigate the side effects, my doctor has had me slowly increasing my dosage.  After two or three days, my stomach and energy regulate.....until the next increase.  This week is the final increase.  I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Soon, I hope to have an elevated mood and a peaceful stomach.

With all of the holidays, the inevitable increase in pregnancy announcements, and the general fatigue and nausea, this has been a trying month.  Really more crying than is strictly necessary, but not quite enough to feel better. 

The advent of a new cycle brought all of it, the anniversary of losing SB, the nausea, the feeling that everyone else is pregnant to a head.  The thoughts that had been brewing for months broke free.  It's time to let go of the baby stuff.  I've culled back little by little over the years, but it's really time now.

Not because it's a superstition to become pregnant, not because I'm hopeless for the future, but because it's time.  Deeply, profoundly time to stop living in a moment that isn't here.  Time to face both feet in the direction that is my life. 

With all the clichéd introspection that comes with a new year, I'm making a choice.  Each day, I'm going to pry my hands back open and let go of the life I thought I would have because it is only in letting go that I will find the person God created me to be. 

Today, letting go looked like packing up my Sweet Baby's crib and taking it to my brother's house.  My new nephew will be here within the month.  A baby will sleep sweetly in that bed once again.


Letting go is hard and scary and hopeful and sweet.  Wherever this road goes, I will be more me, more the person I was meant to be.  While that means snotty tears over old furniture, whispers in my soul tell me it's going to be amazing.


17 comments:

  1. Annie, I think of you all the time and am continually praying for another baby for you. Your strength is truly inspiring and I am so sorry for the heart break you endured with Sweet Baby. Sending you love from miles away, Shelly

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    1. Thanks so much! Praying for you and Carly!

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  2. I completely agree with the importance of letting go and living in the moment. I'm so guilty of spending so much time living in the future, of thinking, "When x finally happens, I can be happy." I've been learning to just live in the "now" and be content and happy with what I currently have instead of always worrying about the future.

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  3. Annie, I can't tell you how much I gain from your posts from the heart. Thank you so very much for sharing yourself here. Even though my circumstances are different and my struggles are not the same as yours, what you write is often very much along the lines of what I need to hear. Prayers for you <3 (So glad you and the Mr got to enjoy some time away!!)

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    1. Thanks so much! Prayers for you as well.

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  4. Yes, yes, yes. I am in the same place. I'm trying to embrace where we are, not where we could be if things were different.

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  5. This is really beautiful. Know that I'm praying for you daily. Hugs to you.

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    1. Thanks so much. Prayers for you as well.

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  6. You are a beautiful example to all of us! I pray for you every day dear friend!

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    1. Thanks so much! Prayers for you too.

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  7. How beautifully you write about suffering. And about acceptance

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  8. Thank you for sharing your heart with us so vulnerably! <3 I really appreciate it. I'm praying for you to feel well soon!

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  9. Glad you were able to get away. So important. I'm trying to figure out how to have couple time now that we have a little one. Hope this year brings peace.

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I welcome positive, supportive sharing in this community. God bless!