Saturday, October 9, 2010

Learning to Breathe and Picture Day - Homeschool Style

Still praying, still breathing.  On Monday, I made the unfortunate discovery that I hadn't changed over to my October calendar.  When I did so, I found the words "Due date" scrawled across October 21st.  I walked around the house sightless for a few minutes at this unexpected and painful reminder of the baby we lost in March to an ectopic.  Needing some outlet, this is what I wrote on my Facebook.

Breathe, breathe deep......let the bad go and be thankful for life today.....when it feels difficult to breathe, just try it one more time.

Perhaps someone needed that reminder and I was the way they got it, I'll probably never know. 

I repeated it to myself a lot on Monday.  It was a near thing that I made it through, and I stopped to breathe and thank God that my daughter still has a mother and my husband still has a wife.  I practiced breathing a lot this week.  I've been using that reminder a lot this week.  I'm still prayerfully working to discover where God wants me to be and how we should alter our income to meet our expenses and how to eliminate unnecessary expenses.  For all of us who have had to watch the purse-strings closely over the years, it's never really fun, but it brings it's own rewards (ie family-made pizza night in).

I've actually opened up Dark Nights of the Soul and started reading since the last time I blogged and I've been thinking about what I've gotten out of a struggle with infertility, the loss of a child in utero and a shrinking savings account.  I'm coming to the unsettling conclusion that God doesn't want me to be comfortable.  There's no growth for me in comfortable. 

You know that saying, God only gives you what you can handle?  Sometimes I think we all feel like saying, "God, maybe you could trust me a little less today!"  Everytime I reflect on where I've been and where we've been as a family through these last few years, I think, "God, perhaps I have enough compassion for humanity today...."  But, what's enough growth?  What's enough sacrifice? 

The budgetary woes will shake out.  I'm an educated, hardworking woman and if need be, I can go out there and get things done.  That's not the tricky part.  The, "God, what are you calling me to do through this situation?" WAY harder than a few bucks here and there.  I'm a fixer and a mender and the desire in me to eliminate all problems sometimes steps on the lesson or the direction God is pointing at through a problem.  I'm going to continue to use my struggles to grow....keep on increasing that compassion for humanity :)  My prayer right now remains, "God, I am yours.  I know you will provide.  Show me where you want me.  Teach me to live humbly and to trust in you for all I need."

For every moment I feel like things are unfair and I wish I had more of this or that, babies or bucks :)  I have a multitude of moments where I am so thankful to be right here, right now.  Moments with my daughter tend to elicit lots of the happy moments.  I made time for some special moments with her for picture day this week.

I remember picture day when I was in school; stand in line, wait your turn and hope against hope that you weren't blinking or making a weird face when that giant 8x10 with the clear plastic front showed up on your desk for all the world to see.  Despite the anxiety and the occasional mortification, looking back, those pictures are precious.  They were me, as I looked, and that's something special to show my daughter now. 

Those pictures froze a moment in time.  They are important parts of the story of me. 

Well, no one comes to your house and schedules pictures if you're homeschooling - you have to do that on your own.  So,  I decided that we were going to have picture day at a local park.  Here are the results of our "photo shoot".  Some are candid shots and others are ones we'll use as portraits for relatives.  All of them tell the story of a beautiful, quirky 5 year-old. 

To whom much is given, much is expected.....looking at her I know much is expected of me. 

P.S. I'm always surprised when people mention reading my blog in conversation.  Thanks for the support, smiles and prayers.....I know there is extra grace raining down on us thanks to you :)

No comments:

Post a Comment

I welcome positive, supportive sharing in this community. God bless!