Recently, I wrote about how much my grief has been weighing on my physical frame. With the beginning of Lent came a renewal to calorie counting, lots of exercise and a focus on whole foods and low/no sugar.
That's all well and good. Those are necessary steps to put in the work and get fit(ter).
But, there's more. It snowed last night, so I didn't make the trip to the gym I would have in the early hours of the morning. So, I caught up on some shows on Hulu while I did the treadmill in my basement.
I was watching a show where a mother looked at baby pictures and reflected back on a growing daughter. It caught me off guard and I choked up a bit. My reflex was to cut off the crying. I'm not good at crying and I try not to do it if at all possible. So, my instinct is to squelch it back down.
In that moment though, I felt something click. Here I was working my grief weight off my body, but I still wasn't letting myself cry. Some days it feels like I've already cried more tears than I should have needed for a lifetime. But, I'm still holding on to pain, and with it, weight.
As I watched some actress well up on the show, the words ran through my head, "I'm going to have to cry a lot more to lose this weight." More, I'm going to have to allow myself to cry.
Last Saturday I went to a wonderful retreat (that I hope to find some time to write about later). As a part of the day, I was able to sneak in a trip to confession between a break and Jennifer Fulwiler's talk. A topic that came up was the root of anger; how hurt is behind that anger. That rang pretty true for me.
All this hurt I'm bottling is manifesting itself on my body in extra pounds and in my soul as anger. Think about the truth and beauty of the Theology of the Body, how we are taught the inextricable link between body and soul. I've heard these truths, I've talked about them, but truly, in that moment on the treadmill trying to stop myself from crying it all lined up.
Where my heart is damaged, my soul feels the weight, and my body carries that weight. It's all connected.
Maybe that's something you've known all along. Maybe you're like me and your head knows it's true, but your heart is just getting the message. We are body and soul. We cannot harm one without the other; we cannot heal one without the other.
After today, I think my path back might involve more tears than I'd like. So, if I start to cry at some weird interval in a conversation with you, please, just go with it. I'd rather not be crying, but more than that, I want to be whole again.
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| A nearly head-to-toe shot from yesterday :) |
